I made a mistake. A big, stinking mistake.
Somehow, because I would rather not face my problems head on, I have emptied my safety net account without knowing it. I wanted to start anew when I got back from vacation this week. I did A LOT of thinking when it came to my life and where it was going, what I was doing... So I wanted to pay off my student loan and clear my debt with my university so I logged into my safety net account. I was unable to find the balance. I never log into the account so I wasn't sure where to look but I had logged in from time to time and knew that it shouldn't be too taxing to find.
Turns out the fucker is empty. $0.00 balance. And I had NO. IDEA.
To say I'm embarrassed is an understatement. To say that my life is now, in an instant, changed because I really was just sort of shooting along, comforted in the knowledge that being broke was not going to happen to me. I had options, I had a "safety net". I knew it was coming eventually but I genuinely felt that I'd had more money in the account. More money, more time.
My mom is going to be disappointed in me. I'm the sensible one, the child with the "good head on her shoulders" who always makes a measured and rational decision while my brother is impulsive and irrational when it comes to money and life choices in general. I'm lucky my step-father can help me but I don't want to ask him for help. I don't know what businesses and organizations do regarding credit checks anymore. I want to apply for a job with the state but I'm now terrified I won't have a chance because they will find this information out and not want me as an employee.
I don't think it's even really hit me yet, I really need to grow up and I guess this is my meal ticket train coming to an end. I feel spoiled and privileged in a way that is a mirror showing me a scene I don't want to see.
I screwed myself again.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Life Choices
Ridiculous that I've not posted since February... Ridiculous!
I've started to make some life changes for myself these last few weeks. I started taking karate with a co-worker and have met a teacher I really enjoy so far. She's a bit lenient for my tastes (there's mainly young kids in the class) but I'm having a good time and wanting to do more. I successfully sparred an 8th Degree Black Belt last class and beat him so I'm pretty excited. I'm going to ask my sensei tomorrow what she thinks about me competing in our state amateur games. I would be soooo pumped if I'm cleared to compete!
I met a great woman a few weeks back who does personal training, for lack of a better way to describe it, and I'm meeting with her tomorrow to go over my "goals" and such. I don't know what she could do for me but I think it was meant for us to meet. I hope we can work something out where I can afford to have her help me. On top of all this, I've joined a gym! haha. My mom, graciously, offered to fund a month-to-month contract gym membership where there is a pool, weights, group classes, ect. that I can use any day of the week. I've been swimming more and hope with my trainer's help (or at least the free session I get with one of the gym trainers) I can get on track with the weights and cardio again.
I'm also actively looking for other employment. It's exhausting, more so when my ideal job is still mostly undefined. The main criteria seems to just recently be not where I am now. Other than going in a LP career with my current company, I've reached the end of the line (and the end of my rope). I don't desire to be a CSM and I just need to find what makes me tick. I've semi-committed to living here for at least the time being. All of my family is here as well as most of my friends and it's... I dunno... Easier? Maybe. Unless something randomly amazing comes along, I'm here indefinitely I guess. I'm more ok with that than I would've been even a month ago but I still dream of world travel. I want to make that happen so badly. I'm just running out of money and don't make enough regardless to support myself if it weren't for my family helping me.
As far as A is concerned, I was surprised (and angry/disappointed) with her because she sent me a FB message the day after my birthday. I didn't contact her for her birthday (Rude? Maybe, but it's what I felt was best for me) and I was not expecting her to cross my boundary. It actually wouldn't have been that bad had it just been a simple "Happy Birthday" or something that was no more than a sentence. Instead I was given 3-4 paragraphs which included a mention of how she misses me. Well... Ain't that tough shit, huh? Guess you should've thought of that before you walked out on me and into the arms of someone else mere days afterwards. I think she thought I'd have talked to her by now, which just goes to show you how much she did not know me. I'm quite restrained when it comes to removing myself from situations that I don't feel are good for me anymore. I see no real benefit of her being in my life. It's over and I'd like to move on and up to someone that will match me step for step and not be in my shadow. I deserve better! She deserves to grow up and grow a "pair".
Anyway...
Something will come up for a job... I know it... I've put the intention out in the universe. I've seen recently how opening myself up for change has allowed that change to happen. It's certainly time.
I've started to make some life changes for myself these last few weeks. I started taking karate with a co-worker and have met a teacher I really enjoy so far. She's a bit lenient for my tastes (there's mainly young kids in the class) but I'm having a good time and wanting to do more. I successfully sparred an 8th Degree Black Belt last class and beat him so I'm pretty excited. I'm going to ask my sensei tomorrow what she thinks about me competing in our state amateur games. I would be soooo pumped if I'm cleared to compete!
I met a great woman a few weeks back who does personal training, for lack of a better way to describe it, and I'm meeting with her tomorrow to go over my "goals" and such. I don't know what she could do for me but I think it was meant for us to meet. I hope we can work something out where I can afford to have her help me. On top of all this, I've joined a gym! haha. My mom, graciously, offered to fund a month-to-month contract gym membership where there is a pool, weights, group classes, ect. that I can use any day of the week. I've been swimming more and hope with my trainer's help (or at least the free session I get with one of the gym trainers) I can get on track with the weights and cardio again.
I'm also actively looking for other employment. It's exhausting, more so when my ideal job is still mostly undefined. The main criteria seems to just recently be not where I am now. Other than going in a LP career with my current company, I've reached the end of the line (and the end of my rope). I don't desire to be a CSM and I just need to find what makes me tick. I've semi-committed to living here for at least the time being. All of my family is here as well as most of my friends and it's... I dunno... Easier? Maybe. Unless something randomly amazing comes along, I'm here indefinitely I guess. I'm more ok with that than I would've been even a month ago but I still dream of world travel. I want to make that happen so badly. I'm just running out of money and don't make enough regardless to support myself if it weren't for my family helping me.
As far as A is concerned, I was surprised (and angry/disappointed) with her because she sent me a FB message the day after my birthday. I didn't contact her for her birthday (Rude? Maybe, but it's what I felt was best for me) and I was not expecting her to cross my boundary. It actually wouldn't have been that bad had it just been a simple "Happy Birthday" or something that was no more than a sentence. Instead I was given 3-4 paragraphs which included a mention of how she misses me. Well... Ain't that tough shit, huh? Guess you should've thought of that before you walked out on me and into the arms of someone else mere days afterwards. I think she thought I'd have talked to her by now, which just goes to show you how much she did not know me. I'm quite restrained when it comes to removing myself from situations that I don't feel are good for me anymore. I see no real benefit of her being in my life. It's over and I'd like to move on and up to someone that will match me step for step and not be in my shadow. I deserve better! She deserves to grow up and grow a "pair".
Anyway...
Something will come up for a job... I know it... I've put the intention out in the universe. I've seen recently how opening myself up for change has allowed that change to happen. It's certainly time.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Resurrection
Things have been semi-better lately. I've actually decided to post this (at 2:10AM) because I am semi-drunk, yet find myself sort of smiling and feeling whimsical. lol.
I need to get back to my roots. I'm doing some social justice stuff in the next few weeks and I'm really excited about it. I've not done things like this since I was involved with Been and other orgs. I think it's step in the right direction.
I've decided to refrain from looking at A's FB and T page. It's too much and I don't need it... Like at all. She's such a fucking child and I don't want to be brought into drama. Unfortunately I've started to see who my real friends are (think she's been bad-mouthing me) but I am who and what I am and if you don't like it then that's just tough shit.
I'm a good and loving person and I deserve to be with someone better than her. Someone that will appreciate me for all of my quirks and flaws and will be able to walk that walk with me and talk that talk with me. I'm more aware than ever now how much A and I were out of sync, forcing things to work. I love and loved her. It still hurts. However, I KNOW that this is right. I know we are not meant for one another. It just can't be.
I will miss her. I continue to miss her, and it's not like I feel as if I'll fluctuate betwixt this good and bad place. But... it's a start. And damn it I've needed a start, something to hold onto that gives me hope for myself and my future. The biggest mistake you could make is underestimating me, something that I know she has done. I will be so much better and shine so much more fucking brighter that she ever will. It's my destiny and fuck anyone who gets in my way.
Damn it, I'm back.
I need to get back to my roots. I'm doing some social justice stuff in the next few weeks and I'm really excited about it. I've not done things like this since I was involved with Been and other orgs. I think it's step in the right direction.
I've decided to refrain from looking at A's FB and T page. It's too much and I don't need it... Like at all. She's such a fucking child and I don't want to be brought into drama. Unfortunately I've started to see who my real friends are (think she's been bad-mouthing me) but I am who and what I am and if you don't like it then that's just tough shit.
I'm a good and loving person and I deserve to be with someone better than her. Someone that will appreciate me for all of my quirks and flaws and will be able to walk that walk with me and talk that talk with me. I'm more aware than ever now how much A and I were out of sync, forcing things to work. I love and loved her. It still hurts. However, I KNOW that this is right. I know we are not meant for one another. It just can't be.
I will miss her. I continue to miss her, and it's not like I feel as if I'll fluctuate betwixt this good and bad place. But... it's a start. And damn it I've needed a start, something to hold onto that gives me hope for myself and my future. The biggest mistake you could make is underestimating me, something that I know she has done. I will be so much better and shine so much more fucking brighter that she ever will. It's my destiny and fuck anyone who gets in my way.
Damn it, I'm back.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
I'm not sure where to go from here. I have confirmation that A is already finding comfort in another girl's arms. It sickens me and hurts my feelings that after all of our time together she turns around in less than two weeks and is doing ANYTHING with ANYONE. It just fucking baffles me. I'm certain they've not done anything more than make-out but I don't know how long that will last. I've known this for about a week now and I just cannot believe it. She sent me an invitation via FB to the VMs and I thought "WTF?". I'm grieving and I want it stop, I want us to just talk and reconcile and fix this crap. I don't want a life without her in it as my partner. How can you tell someone you're the love of their life and then do that? How can you leave and then turn around and get with someone else. Here I was worried about one of her best friends and had no idea L liked her, but I never really knew her, never hung out with her but like twice during the entire time A and I were together.
I just want this nightmare to stop, I want to not be depressed. I want to not feel like dying and that being dead would be easier than living. But I'm not even living anyway, only suffering, just doing what I have to do to get by. I need help so badly the thought of it makes me want to cry for the next month.
I want my life with her back, I miss her so much... Everything is so uncertain and she was my rock. I miss my baby girl.
But I can't make her talk to me. She said she felt like she didn't like who she'd become and I don't know what to even say about that. I feel like I've gotten a lot of blame for shit that was her responsibility to deal with, her fault. I just wanted the best for her and for us.
I just want to stop hurting and have hope, have a plan, have something change for the better. It would've been nice, as my co-worker/friend M said, "if she'd let the body cool first". I just can't believe she's hanging out with someone and post about it online, as if I wouldn't fucking see, she knows I know what her site address is. I don't know what to believe anymore. One moment I thought she loved me now I wonder how she was able to wait long enough to get rid of me. I look at the picture we took of ourselves on NYE 2009 and think how in love and lust we were, how great that night was. Fast forward a year and NYE 2010 is just awkward and painful, barely even a good kiss (she said it made her uncomfortable to kiss in front of my parents and their friends, something that never seemed to bother her before). I just want to sift thorough the lies and the bullshit to understand who the fuck she is and where things went wrong so we could fix it.
I just want this nightmare to stop, I want to not be depressed. I want to not feel like dying and that being dead would be easier than living. But I'm not even living anyway, only suffering, just doing what I have to do to get by. I need help so badly the thought of it makes me want to cry for the next month.
I want my life with her back, I miss her so much... Everything is so uncertain and she was my rock. I miss my baby girl.
But I can't make her talk to me. She said she felt like she didn't like who she'd become and I don't know what to even say about that. I feel like I've gotten a lot of blame for shit that was her responsibility to deal with, her fault. I just wanted the best for her and for us.
I just want to stop hurting and have hope, have a plan, have something change for the better. It would've been nice, as my co-worker/friend M said, "if she'd let the body cool first". I just can't believe she's hanging out with someone and post about it online, as if I wouldn't fucking see, she knows I know what her site address is. I don't know what to believe anymore. One moment I thought she loved me now I wonder how she was able to wait long enough to get rid of me. I look at the picture we took of ourselves on NYE 2009 and think how in love and lust we were, how great that night was. Fast forward a year and NYE 2010 is just awkward and painful, barely even a good kiss (she said it made her uncomfortable to kiss in front of my parents and their friends, something that never seemed to bother her before). I just want to sift thorough the lies and the bullshit to understand who the fuck she is and where things went wrong so we could fix it.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I had no idea it's been since September since I last wrote. The months since then have happened so quickly that I have no idea where they went.
It's hard to formulate and type this because doing so makes it that much more real but my girlfriend and I broke up Jan. 8th.
My life is in a true upheaval and I'm just trying to make it through one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. I wish I knew what all went wrong, I know most of it but I still feel like I never knew fully what was going on in her head. All I wanted her to do was trust me and communicate with me and I hate that after all this time I still found myself with someone that had such a difficult time doing that. One minute I'm wallowing in pain the next I'm relieved because I knew we were both unhappy.
My energy is gone right now, I feel like I've been through the ringer ten times over. I don't have the energy or ability to be friends with her which is something that she wanted. Therefore, we've not seen or spoken to one another since she left my place on the day of. I saw R last week which was good but I just felt frustrated thinking how simple she makes it sound but how hard it really feels for me. Maybe there's something wrong with me, I don't know. I just never thought I'd find myself here right now, honestly I didn't.
I knew we had problems but I figured we could just keep working on it and it would be better eventually. Thing is, is that I know neither of us were trying very hard to fix anything. We'd talk about things a lot but talk is cheap when there's no action to back it up. I never felt like she was truly interested in or remotely dedicated to changing. Her total lack of interest/fear of going to therapy was pretty much a huge sign for me to have left sooner.
I miss her. I had mentally prepared myself to spend my life with her and right now that's not what's going to happen. We both agreed we weren't done with one another but I honestly have no idea when or where down the line we'll reconnect on that level. I love and loved her with all my heart and hate this place I'm in right now but I can't lie to myself and think that if we got back together tomorrow that all would be fixed and happy. Because I know it won't be. I need so much more from her and I don't have any real idea if I'll every be able to get it from her. That's also, of course, mixed in with still trying to figure out all my own issues and needing to care for myself and not rely on others to fill that space. I know I have to do it myself, I've known it for years. I've just never felt ready to do it, I suppose. Frankly, I don't even know if I feel ready to do it now despite this current situation presenting itself to me.
More than anything I want to hibernate for a year or just go live on an island and stare at the ocean till my eyes go blind. The energy it takes to live life and live it well are absent for me and have been so for so long that I wonder if I'll ever find it. I wonder too if I ever had it. I feel weary and the weight of my life, actions, decisions leans on me constantly. I don't mean to be dramatic but yes, I have thought how much easier it could be for me to stop living. But I really only think of that in the face of the overwhelming situation that I'm experiencing so I try to not focus on it. I know too well how much that would also devastate my family and friends. I'm not that selfish a person but I know I'm suffering and I don't know how to get out of it.
I just want to find my calling and find a great job with great co-workers and bosses. I want to be fulfilled and happy and no longer such a down person. I just have no idea how to make this happen and make it happen now. I never could've or would've imagined that at 27 this is where I'd be. I had such great dreams for myself when I was a kid and felt like everything would be so much better when I was older. I was depressed often, even then, but I just wanted to be myself, ya know, like if I was meant to be a miserable fuck then that's just me but that person just wants to die because this is all too hard. I don't want to be that person. I want to stop feeling weak and victimized. I just felt like my time should've come by now, that great things were supposed to have happened and they either never did or never lived up to what I thought that they should've been.
Pray for me.
It's hard to formulate and type this because doing so makes it that much more real but my girlfriend and I broke up Jan. 8th.
My life is in a true upheaval and I'm just trying to make it through one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. I wish I knew what all went wrong, I know most of it but I still feel like I never knew fully what was going on in her head. All I wanted her to do was trust me and communicate with me and I hate that after all this time I still found myself with someone that had such a difficult time doing that. One minute I'm wallowing in pain the next I'm relieved because I knew we were both unhappy.
My energy is gone right now, I feel like I've been through the ringer ten times over. I don't have the energy or ability to be friends with her which is something that she wanted. Therefore, we've not seen or spoken to one another since she left my place on the day of. I saw R last week which was good but I just felt frustrated thinking how simple she makes it sound but how hard it really feels for me. Maybe there's something wrong with me, I don't know. I just never thought I'd find myself here right now, honestly I didn't.
I knew we had problems but I figured we could just keep working on it and it would be better eventually. Thing is, is that I know neither of us were trying very hard to fix anything. We'd talk about things a lot but talk is cheap when there's no action to back it up. I never felt like she was truly interested in or remotely dedicated to changing. Her total lack of interest/fear of going to therapy was pretty much a huge sign for me to have left sooner.
I miss her. I had mentally prepared myself to spend my life with her and right now that's not what's going to happen. We both agreed we weren't done with one another but I honestly have no idea when or where down the line we'll reconnect on that level. I love and loved her with all my heart and hate this place I'm in right now but I can't lie to myself and think that if we got back together tomorrow that all would be fixed and happy. Because I know it won't be. I need so much more from her and I don't have any real idea if I'll every be able to get it from her. That's also, of course, mixed in with still trying to figure out all my own issues and needing to care for myself and not rely on others to fill that space. I know I have to do it myself, I've known it for years. I've just never felt ready to do it, I suppose. Frankly, I don't even know if I feel ready to do it now despite this current situation presenting itself to me.
More than anything I want to hibernate for a year or just go live on an island and stare at the ocean till my eyes go blind. The energy it takes to live life and live it well are absent for me and have been so for so long that I wonder if I'll ever find it. I wonder too if I ever had it. I feel weary and the weight of my life, actions, decisions leans on me constantly. I don't mean to be dramatic but yes, I have thought how much easier it could be for me to stop living. But I really only think of that in the face of the overwhelming situation that I'm experiencing so I try to not focus on it. I know too well how much that would also devastate my family and friends. I'm not that selfish a person but I know I'm suffering and I don't know how to get out of it.
I just want to find my calling and find a great job with great co-workers and bosses. I want to be fulfilled and happy and no longer such a down person. I just have no idea how to make this happen and make it happen now. I never could've or would've imagined that at 27 this is where I'd be. I had such great dreams for myself when I was a kid and felt like everything would be so much better when I was older. I was depressed often, even then, but I just wanted to be myself, ya know, like if I was meant to be a miserable fuck then that's just me but that person just wants to die because this is all too hard. I don't want to be that person. I want to stop feeling weak and victimized. I just felt like my time should've come by now, that great things were supposed to have happened and they either never did or never lived up to what I thought that they should've been.
Pray for me.
Saturday, September 04, 2010
Things have been pretty up and down lately. One minute it's good then it's bad and we're arguing with one another. Could we just fast forward five years so all this is over with and we'll both be mature adults? I don't understand why this became so hard for us, as if it's a struggle all the time. I feel like I've got a constant weight on my chest and no matter how many deep breaths I take I cannot shake it. The letters we've been writing have ceased for now and that's frustrating. Somehow our intimate time has increased though so I'm not sure what that's about, not complaining though!
I did something I wasn't proud of the other day, it was really more out of desperation than anything else. Not to excuse it, I just wanted to find a way into her thought process. I read a private writing that was about me. She feels that she has a lot to work through that is affecting her and our relationship and that since she feels so poorly about herself that it is an overriding factor in her happiness. However, the other half is her frustration with me. She feels like I don't miss her enough and that a "break" is imminent and she's trying to brace herself for it. She feels like I don't listen to her suggestions and doesn't understand why I feel like my life is so hard and that simple things are difficult for me to accomplish. She's not asking anything I haven't thought of myself at one time or another. She also made a comment about how she wants to talk but I apparently won't let her get a word in (that's the gist of it at least). I find that more baffling than anything else, I've lost count the number of times that I've asked, nary I say begged, her to talk to me and tell me what was on her mind, what was bothering her, ect. and she wouldn't budge. It really hurt to see that she had doodle a broken heart at the end of the letter.
I love her with all my heart and the thought of her not being my girlfriend is just, ugh. But I don't know what to do that will get me an acceptable outcome where we are both happy. I find it really hard to ask change of her when it's so difficult for me to do so myself at this time. Everything makes sense when I'm talk with R but after I leave it's a jumble. I wonder if I ask too much of her because if I'm not happy with something I've been vocal about it. I know that I've said things to her in the last few months that were hurtful. I feel like I've really disappointed her and let her down, that I've let myself down. I've taken my frustration out on her verbal every once and a while. I think she's becoming more resentful by the day... I want to encourage her to enter therapy but it just seems impossible most days. I can't afford her to come to see R whenever and I don't know if she's even remotely ready to finally deal with things, both past and present. I just want our love to flourish and survive. I feel so drained from this and life in general, I don't feel like I can fill whatever need she seems to have of me. Our anniversary is the 12th and I'm excited yet nervous... I just want to be happy.
I did something I wasn't proud of the other day, it was really more out of desperation than anything else. Not to excuse it, I just wanted to find a way into her thought process. I read a private writing that was about me. She feels that she has a lot to work through that is affecting her and our relationship and that since she feels so poorly about herself that it is an overriding factor in her happiness. However, the other half is her frustration with me. She feels like I don't miss her enough and that a "break" is imminent and she's trying to brace herself for it. She feels like I don't listen to her suggestions and doesn't understand why I feel like my life is so hard and that simple things are difficult for me to accomplish. She's not asking anything I haven't thought of myself at one time or another. She also made a comment about how she wants to talk but I apparently won't let her get a word in (that's the gist of it at least). I find that more baffling than anything else, I've lost count the number of times that I've asked, nary I say begged, her to talk to me and tell me what was on her mind, what was bothering her, ect. and she wouldn't budge. It really hurt to see that she had doodle a broken heart at the end of the letter.
I love her with all my heart and the thought of her not being my girlfriend is just, ugh. But I don't know what to do that will get me an acceptable outcome where we are both happy. I find it really hard to ask change of her when it's so difficult for me to do so myself at this time. Everything makes sense when I'm talk with R but after I leave it's a jumble. I wonder if I ask too much of her because if I'm not happy with something I've been vocal about it. I know that I've said things to her in the last few months that were hurtful. I feel like I've really disappointed her and let her down, that I've let myself down. I've taken my frustration out on her verbal every once and a while. I think she's becoming more resentful by the day... I want to encourage her to enter therapy but it just seems impossible most days. I can't afford her to come to see R whenever and I don't know if she's even remotely ready to finally deal with things, both past and present. I just want our love to flourish and survive. I feel so drained from this and life in general, I don't feel like I can fill whatever need she seems to have of me. Our anniversary is the 12th and I'm excited yet nervous... I just want to be happy.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Letters
It's hard to believe that August is already here and that I won't be going back to school in a week. Both A and I are looking forward to it so she'll be able to start doing something with herself. Things are going ok right now, better since we've been writing letters to one another to help us "talk". She seems to write well but struggles to express herself to me verbally. I somehow thought that this might work for us and so far it has. It's also just romantic haha. So that's nice to have and know that we'll get something cool in the mail.
I recall R saying something to me, or maybe is was somewhere else, that after being with a person for over six months or so that our guards go down and we can no longer put up whatever facade we were using to engage that person initially to woo them. It makes sense and this is the first time in my life where I know that I have a real relationship, not just some sort of sexual thing or have myself situated in something abusive. I believe in her and I believe in us, I feel like that's why I have not broken up with her yet. I don't type "yet" as in I'm holding out to do it, just that things have been really tough for the both of us and I feel like under different circumstances that no, it wouldn't have survived.
I don't know how this will end up but I'm in a better place these last few days, it's helped that we've been more intimate. It seems like lately that has been forced and expected which has really just killed it for me. I'm not "on" all the time, maybe if I lost weight and exercised more it would be more common. I've just felt really down about it all and she's got her brain telling her all the time that she's bad and that she's not pleasing me. What frustrates me is that she seems to act as if she's forgotten what to do, as if she has never, ever genuinely pleased me. I've told her repeatedly how we have had great times together and that there is no way that I could fake certain things (which is totally true, if I'm not into it, I'm really not into it). I don't know if she's believing that. I know there is only so much I can do but again, she just needs something to focus on. She's been in her apartment all day and night unless she goes back to S or comes to stay with me. I want her to be busy and not need me. I want her to want to be with me and vice versa. The neediness lately has really just turned me off and freaked me out. Only time will tell I guess.
I recall R saying something to me, or maybe is was somewhere else, that after being with a person for over six months or so that our guards go down and we can no longer put up whatever facade we were using to engage that person initially to woo them. It makes sense and this is the first time in my life where I know that I have a real relationship, not just some sort of sexual thing or have myself situated in something abusive. I believe in her and I believe in us, I feel like that's why I have not broken up with her yet. I don't type "yet" as in I'm holding out to do it, just that things have been really tough for the both of us and I feel like under different circumstances that no, it wouldn't have survived.
I don't know how this will end up but I'm in a better place these last few days, it's helped that we've been more intimate. It seems like lately that has been forced and expected which has really just killed it for me. I'm not "on" all the time, maybe if I lost weight and exercised more it would be more common. I've just felt really down about it all and she's got her brain telling her all the time that she's bad and that she's not pleasing me. What frustrates me is that she seems to act as if she's forgotten what to do, as if she has never, ever genuinely pleased me. I've told her repeatedly how we have had great times together and that there is no way that I could fake certain things (which is totally true, if I'm not into it, I'm really not into it). I don't know if she's believing that. I know there is only so much I can do but again, she just needs something to focus on. She's been in her apartment all day and night unless she goes back to S or comes to stay with me. I want her to be busy and not need me. I want her to want to be with me and vice versa. The neediness lately has really just turned me off and freaked me out. Only time will tell I guess.
June 9th, 2010
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): It's time for some image medicine, Taurus. Wherever you are right now, I invite you to look down at your left palm and imagine that you see the following scene: an infinity sign whose shape is made not by a thin black line but by a series of small yellow rubber duckies. The duckies are flowing along slowly in continuous motion. They are all wearing gold crowns, each of which is studded with three tiny rubies. With resonant tones that belie their diminutive and comic appearance, the duckies are singing you your favorite song. It makes you feel safe, brave, and at home in the world. What else can see you see there? What happens next?
April 14th, 2010
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Taurus genius Irving Berlin (1888-1989) has been called the greatest songwriter who ever lived. Among his 1,500 compositions were iconic tunes like "God Bless America" and "White Christmas," as well as scores for 18 Hollywood movies and 19 Broadway shows. And yet he never learned to read or write music. Was he embarrassed about his handicap? Not at all. He even bragged about it. He felt that having such a minimal grasp of the conventions of song-writing was an advantage, giving him the freedom to be extraordinarily original. Is there any way in which you're like Irving Berlin, Taurus? Do you have a seeming limitation that is actually an aid to your creativity and uniqueness? Celebrate it this week.
March 24, 2010
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): It's my opinion that everyone has a duty to periodically check in with themselves to make sure they still are who they say they are. Over time, there's a tendency for all of us to fall into the habit of believing our own hype. We get entranced by the persona we project. We're tempted to keep capitalizing on our past accomplishments in ways that lull us into complacency and give us unconscious permission to stop growing. You, Taurus, are in no worse danger of doing this than any of the rest of us. But the coming weeks will be an excellent time, astrologically speaking, for you to do an intensive check-in.
March 3rd, 2010
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Two-thirds of people surveyed said they would rather look good than feel good. I hope you're not one of them. The ironic fact of the matter is that if you put the emphasis on looking good in the coming week -- creating favorable impressions, acting dishonest in order to curry favor, wearing uncomfortable but attractive clothes -- you will end up feeling sub-par and looking mediocre. On the other hand, if you put the priority on feeling good -- treating your body like a beloved pet, seeking out encounters that nurture your secret self, and hanging out in environments that encourage you to relax -- you will look good and feel good.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): It's time for some image medicine, Taurus. Wherever you are right now, I invite you to look down at your left palm and imagine that you see the following scene: an infinity sign whose shape is made not by a thin black line but by a series of small yellow rubber duckies. The duckies are flowing along slowly in continuous motion. They are all wearing gold crowns, each of which is studded with three tiny rubies. With resonant tones that belie their diminutive and comic appearance, the duckies are singing you your favorite song. It makes you feel safe, brave, and at home in the world. What else can see you see there? What happens next?
April 14th, 2010
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Taurus genius Irving Berlin (1888-1989) has been called the greatest songwriter who ever lived. Among his 1,500 compositions were iconic tunes like "God Bless America" and "White Christmas," as well as scores for 18 Hollywood movies and 19 Broadway shows. And yet he never learned to read or write music. Was he embarrassed about his handicap? Not at all. He even bragged about it. He felt that having such a minimal grasp of the conventions of song-writing was an advantage, giving him the freedom to be extraordinarily original. Is there any way in which you're like Irving Berlin, Taurus? Do you have a seeming limitation that is actually an aid to your creativity and uniqueness? Celebrate it this week.
March 24, 2010
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): It's my opinion that everyone has a duty to periodically check in with themselves to make sure they still are who they say they are. Over time, there's a tendency for all of us to fall into the habit of believing our own hype. We get entranced by the persona we project. We're tempted to keep capitalizing on our past accomplishments in ways that lull us into complacency and give us unconscious permission to stop growing. You, Taurus, are in no worse danger of doing this than any of the rest of us. But the coming weeks will be an excellent time, astrologically speaking, for you to do an intensive check-in.
March 3rd, 2010
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Two-thirds of people surveyed said they would rather look good than feel good. I hope you're not one of them. The ironic fact of the matter is that if you put the emphasis on looking good in the coming week -- creating favorable impressions, acting dishonest in order to curry favor, wearing uncomfortable but attractive clothes -- you will end up feeling sub-par and looking mediocre. On the other hand, if you put the priority on feeling good -- treating your body like a beloved pet, seeking out encounters that nurture your secret self, and hanging out in environments that encourage you to relax -- you will look good and feel good.
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