It's hard to believe that August is already here and that I won't be going back to school in a week. Both A and I are looking forward to it so she'll be able to start doing something with herself. Things are going ok right now, better since we've been writing letters to one another to help us "talk". She seems to write well but struggles to express herself to me verbally. I somehow thought that this might work for us and so far it has. It's also just romantic haha. So that's nice to have and know that we'll get something cool in the mail.
I recall R saying something to me, or maybe is was somewhere else, that after being with a person for over six months or so that our guards go down and we can no longer put up whatever facade we were using to engage that person initially to woo them. It makes sense and this is the first time in my life where I know that I have a real relationship, not just some sort of sexual thing or have myself situated in something abusive. I believe in her and I believe in us, I feel like that's why I have not broken up with her yet. I don't type "yet" as in I'm holding out to do it, just that things have been really tough for the both of us and I feel like under different circumstances that no, it wouldn't have survived.
I don't know how this will end up but I'm in a better place these last few days, it's helped that we've been more intimate. It seems like lately that has been forced and expected which has really just killed it for me. I'm not "on" all the time, maybe if I lost weight and exercised more it would be more common. I've just felt really down about it all and she's got her brain telling her all the time that she's bad and that she's not pleasing me. What frustrates me is that she seems to act as if she's forgotten what to do, as if she has never, ever genuinely pleased me. I've told her repeatedly how we have had great times together and that there is no way that I could fake certain things (which is totally true, if I'm not into it, I'm really not into it). I don't know if she's believing that. I know there is only so much I can do but again, she just needs something to focus on. She's been in her apartment all day and night unless she goes back to S or comes to stay with me. I want her to be busy and not need me. I want her to want to be with me and vice versa. The neediness lately has really just turned me off and freaked me out. Only time will tell I guess.
