Things have been pretty up and down lately. One minute it's good then it's bad and we're arguing with one another. Could we just fast forward five years so all this is over with and we'll both be mature adults? I don't understand why this became so hard for us, as if it's a struggle all the time. I feel like I've got a constant weight on my chest and no matter how many deep breaths I take I cannot shake it. The letters we've been writing have ceased for now and that's frustrating. Somehow our intimate time has increased though so I'm not sure what that's about, not complaining though!

I did something I wasn't proud of the other day, it was really more out of desperation than anything else. Not to excuse it, I just wanted to find a way into her thought process. I read a private writing that was about me. She feels that she has a lot to work through that is affecting her and our relationship and that since she feels so poorly about herself that it is an overriding factor in her happiness. However, the other half is her frustration with me. She feels like I don't miss her enough and that a "break" is imminent and she's trying to brace herself for it. She feels like I don't listen to her suggestions and doesn't understand why I feel like my life is so hard and that simple things are difficult for me to accomplish. She's not asking anything I haven't thought of myself at one time or another. She also made a comment about how she wants to talk but I apparently won't let her get a word in (that's the gist of it at least). I find that more baffling than anything else, I've lost count the number of times that I've asked, nary I say begged, her to talk to me and tell me what was on her mind, what was bothering her, ect. and she wouldn't budge. It really hurt to see that she had doodle a broken heart at the end of the letter.

I love her with all my heart and the thought of her not being my girlfriend is just, ugh. But I don't know what to do that will get me an acceptable outcome where we are both happy. I find it really hard to ask change of her when it's so difficult for me to do so myself at this time. Everything makes sense when I'm talk with R but after I leave it's a jumble. I wonder if I ask too much of her because if I'm not happy with something I've been vocal about it. I know that I've said things to her in the last few months that were hurtful. I feel like I've really disappointed her and let her down, that I've let myself down. I've taken my frustration out on her verbal every once and a while. I think she's becoming more resentful by the day... I want to encourage her to enter therapy but it just seems impossible most days. I can't afford her to come to see R whenever and I don't know if she's even remotely ready to finally deal with things, both past and present. I just want our love to flourish and survive. I feel so drained from this and life in general, I don't feel like I can fill whatever need she seems to have of me. Our anniversary is the 12th and I'm excited yet nervous... I just want to be happy.