I made a mistake. A big, stinking mistake.

Somehow, because I would rather not face my problems head on, I have emptied my safety net account without knowing it. I wanted to start anew when I got back from vacation this week. I did A LOT of thinking when it came to my life and where it was going, what I was doing... So I wanted to pay off my student loan and clear my debt with my university so I logged into my safety net account. I was unable to find the balance. I never log into the account so I wasn't sure where to look but I had logged in from time to time and knew that it shouldn't be too taxing to find.

Turns out the fucker is empty. $0.00 balance. And I had NO. IDEA.

To say I'm embarrassed is an understatement. To say that my life is now, in an instant, changed because I really was just sort of shooting along, comforted in the knowledge that being broke was not going to happen to me. I had options, I had a "safety net". I knew it was coming eventually but I genuinely felt that I'd had more money in the account. More money, more time.

My mom is going to be disappointed in me. I'm the sensible one, the child with the "good head on her shoulders" who always makes a measured and rational decision while my brother is impulsive and irrational when it comes to money and life choices in general. I'm lucky my step-father can help me but I don't want to ask him for help. I don't know what businesses and organizations do regarding credit checks anymore. I want to apply for a job with the state but I'm now terrified I won't have a chance because they will find this information out and not want me as an employee.

I don't think it's even really hit me yet, I really need to grow up and I guess this is my meal ticket train coming to an end. I feel spoiled and privileged in a way that is a mirror showing me a scene I don't want to see.

I screwed myself again.