I'm not sure where to go from here. I have confirmation that A is already finding comfort in another girl's arms. It sickens me and hurts my feelings that after all of our time together she turns around in less than two weeks and is doing ANYTHING with ANYONE. It just fucking baffles me. I'm certain they've not done anything more than make-out but I don't know how long that will last. I've known this for about a week now and I just cannot believe it. She sent me an invitation via FB to the VMs and I thought "WTF?". I'm grieving and I want it stop, I want us to just talk and reconcile and fix this crap. I don't want a life without her in it as my partner. How can you tell someone you're the love of their life and then do that? How can you leave and then turn around and get with someone else. Here I was worried about one of her best friends and had no idea L liked her, but I never really knew her, never hung out with her but like twice during the entire time A and I were together.

I just want this nightmare to stop, I want to not be depressed. I want to not feel like dying and that being dead would be easier than living. But I'm not even living anyway, only suffering, just doing what I have to do to get by. I need help so badly the thought of it makes me want to cry for the next month.

I want my life with her back, I miss her so much... Everything is so uncertain and she was my rock. I miss my baby girl.

But I can't make her talk to me. She said she felt like she didn't like who she'd become and I don't know what to even say about that. I feel like I've gotten a lot of blame for shit that was her responsibility to deal with, her fault. I just wanted the best for her and for us.

I just want to stop hurting and have hope, have a plan, have something change for the better. It would've been nice, as my co-worker/friend M said, "if she'd let the body cool first". I just can't believe she's hanging out with someone and post about it online, as if I wouldn't fucking see, she knows I know what her site address is. I don't know what to believe anymore. One moment I thought she loved me now I wonder how she was able to wait long enough to get rid of me. I look at the picture we took of ourselves on NYE 2009 and think how in love and lust we were, how great that night was. Fast forward a year and NYE 2010 is just awkward and painful, barely even a good kiss (she said it made her uncomfortable to kiss in front of my parents and their friends, something that never seemed to bother her before). I just want to sift thorough the lies and the bullshit to understand who the fuck she is and where things went wrong so we could fix it.