I had no idea it's been since September since I last wrote. The months since then have happened so quickly that I have no idea where they went.

It's hard to formulate and type this because doing so makes it that much more real but my girlfriend and I broke up Jan. 8th.

My life is in a true upheaval and I'm just trying to make it through one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. I wish I knew what all went wrong, I know most of it but I still feel like I never knew fully what was going on in her head. All I wanted her to do was trust me and communicate with me and I hate that after all this time I still found myself with someone that had such a difficult time doing that. One minute I'm wallowing in pain the next I'm relieved because I knew we were both unhappy.

My energy is gone right now, I feel like I've been through the ringer ten times over. I don't have the energy or ability to be friends with her which is something that she wanted. Therefore, we've not seen or spoken to one another since she left my place on the day of. I saw R last week which was good but I just felt frustrated thinking how simple she makes it sound but how hard it really feels for me. Maybe there's something wrong with me, I don't know. I just never thought I'd find myself here right now, honestly I didn't.

I knew we had problems but I figured we could just keep working on it and it would be better eventually. Thing is, is that I know neither of us were trying very hard to fix anything. We'd talk about things a lot but talk is cheap when there's no action to back it up. I never felt like she was truly interested in or remotely dedicated to changing. Her total lack of interest/fear of going to therapy was pretty much a huge sign for me to have left sooner.

I miss her. I had mentally prepared myself to spend my life with her and right now that's not what's going to happen. We both agreed we weren't done with one another but I honestly have no idea when or where down the line we'll reconnect on that level. I love and loved her with all my heart and hate this place I'm in right now but I can't lie to myself and think that if we got back together tomorrow that all would be fixed and happy. Because I know it won't be. I need so much more from her and I don't have any real idea if I'll every be able to get it from her. That's also, of course, mixed in with still trying to figure out all my own issues and needing to care for myself and not rely on others to fill that space. I know I have to do it myself, I've known it for years. I've just never felt ready to do it, I suppose. Frankly, I don't even know if I feel ready to do it now despite this current situation presenting itself to me.

More than anything I want to hibernate for a year or just go live on an island and stare at the ocean till my eyes go blind. The energy it takes to live life and live it well are absent for me and have been so for so long that I wonder if I'll ever find it. I wonder too if I ever had it. I feel weary and the weight of my life, actions, decisions leans on me constantly. I don't mean to be dramatic but yes, I have thought how much easier it could be for me to stop living. But I really only think of that in the face of the overwhelming situation that I'm experiencing so I try to not focus on it. I know too well how much that would also devastate my family and friends. I'm not that selfish a person but I know I'm suffering and I don't know how to get out of it.

I just want to find my calling and find a great job with great co-workers and bosses. I want to be fulfilled and happy and no longer such a down person. I just have no idea how to make this happen and make it happen now. I never could've or would've imagined that at 27 this is where I'd be. I had such great dreams for myself when I was a kid and felt like everything would be so much better when I was older. I was depressed often, even then, but I just wanted to be myself, ya know, like if I was meant to be a miserable fuck then that's just me but that person just wants to die because this is all too hard. I don't want to be that person. I want to stop feeling weak and victimized. I just felt like my time should've come by now, that great things were supposed to have happened and they either never did or never lived up to what I thought that they should've been.

Pray for me.