I'm nervous about visiting with R today. I don't know what will happen but I do know that I am very tired of what has been going on these last few months. I'm worn out and worn down. Graduation and the wedding were huge events to me that she chose to not attend. I have been deeply hurt by this and do not understand how she can feel that she is meant to be with me yet has abandoned me and her role in this relationship on two separate occasions. How can she talk of compromise and then those things happen?
I have realized after attending the wedding this weekend that I was witnessing a wonderful event not only because it was my cousin but because you can truly see how lovingly devoted both of them are to one another. They look just as in love now as they were four years ago... It is a mirror I do not want to face as I look at my almost nine month relationship and find it in shambles.
I feel like I am pulling away because I am tired and no longer want to fight or keep up the charade. I love her, that is not a question. Sadly I don't think it's enough and I don't feel like we are one the same page compared to five months ago. She is still so young and immature, dependent upon her parents figuratively and literally. I just don't have the energy anymore to be disappointed and have the patience to wait for her to grow up. I feel like I would break her heart and mine if I left though. How can I have her understand that... How can I have her know that maybe in a few years it would be different. That's at least what I honestly believe.
I feel like I've emotionally checked out a while ago and I don't know how nor do I really want to go back in if what awaits me is more of the same frustration and heartbreak I've felt these last two months. She needs her own life, her own friends, independence.
I'm exhausted but I will not give up if there is anything left I can salvage. I owe myself, her and our relationship that much in the least. I am glad she will be visiting with me next week but I have no idea what will happen and I do feel we are both terrified about this visit. I don't know how my safe haven turned into a nightmare.
