Per usual, I need to write more; I need to get all this emotion and negativity out of myself, it just ends up making me sick and paranoid. I have felt on edge a lot lately, it's as if I need to just take a deep breath and let go. I try to do this but then still feel the same. I am looking forward to A going back to school in Aug. she needs something to focus on and make her feel productive/useful. I just want to unplug most days but feel like I'm hurting her feelings in the process which just makes me feel worse. I know she can't make me feel something, I just feel guilty for telling her "no". If she wants something I want to do whatever I can to give it to her but I guess that's just setting me up for disaster.
I figure that when she starts grad school that she'll be really busy and therefore won't be up here all the time and it will be my responsibility to go visit her. I think this will be positive because I can have more time to myself and not feel guilty for being away from her. I have to remind myself how we are on totally different levels of consciousness and expression. All of her previous relationships were extremely co-dependent; her last relationship, her longest I believe, was one where they were together every day and were relatively consumed with one another. That's the complete antithesis of what I want/need. That way of life terrifies me and is extremely unhealthy. I think she still deals with that, feeling that I am not interested in her or whatnot because I want my own time alone, like complete, utter alone not just her in another room in the house.
We had a major discussion on Friday afternoon where I shared with her, finally, some of my recent frustrations. I've been feeling really undesired lately for whatever reason. I know she loves me, I really don't question that and I feel like that's a good thing for me considering past issues. However, I have just felt unwanted lately (e.g. I've had to essentially ask for sex, a major problem for me since everything, sexually, has always been relatively easy for me. I've felt like the only way I've gotten sex in recent memory is because I've been with her first and it's just reciprocation. I don't want or need her to pounce on me every time we're together, I just want to see some effort put forth on her part to engage me, to seduce me I guess; have some candles and some intentional thought put forth instead of just going through the motions. Loving someone and wanting them are two different things, at least I think so.) She had kept telling me she just wasn't the aggressive type and left it at that. I told her that when she said that it essentially translated in my mind as that she was unwilling to give me something that was, in my opinion, not terribly difficult to give. It's not like I asked for a child, I just wanted her to act like she actually wanted to have sex with me. I didn't say it as harsh and blunt as that but that was the gist of it.
We also talked about money and how I knew she wasn't employed and for the foreseeable future probably wouldn't be. I'm not sure she really has much of an idea of what she's doing. She's been unexpectedly admitted to school after essentially planning to stay out a year, work, and do whatever. She got laid off last month and now has been relying on her parents and me to get by. I know her reliance on my is not intentional, but I know that's she's not employed and if I want to go do something with her that I'm more than likely going to have to take care of it. I just wish we could fast forward two years when she'll have her masters and then can make bank ha. She told me the minimum salary for slp's are like 60,000+ (hell to the yeah!) so it's not like it won't ever happen, it's just going to take some time and unfortunately I'm not terribly patient but neither is she. I told her that I'd just want to know what's really ok for her to spend money on and such and that it would be nice to be taken out/treated once in a while. It's been either going dutch or me treating, I'm just tired of her being broke but not as much as I'm sure she is. She's not a mooch, I've never felt or thought that, money's just... aggravating and hard to maneuver, especially when I've realized how relatively selfish I feel about it. I guess that's just a "lack" mentality which I know is never good.
Overall, I think the discussion was productive, she's already treated me to something since then which was nice, I would like her to do it just out of being nice instead of feeling required to do so but oh well. We were talking this afternoon as I got ready for work and she told me she'd been thinking a lot about what I'd said about the sex stuff and she just had come to realize that as the "girl" she's not used to being forceful or having to come up with something to do ect. and she wanted patience from me and that she'd try to do better. I was pretty happy with that; at the end of the day I just want her to try, that's all, because that's all anyone can do. I can't stand being told a person can't do something when they've not even attempted to try, it's just fucking redundant.
As for me personally, I just don't know right now. I'm floating along and lost I guess. I'm doing some volunteer work that was just funded by a grant so that's good and hopefully that might lead to something else. I'm wishy-washy on the whole police thing; in my head I see myself as one and then I think, "But really? Could I do that? I really don't know." I know I wouldn't do it here though. I don't know where I'm going to be this time next year. I want to travel and experience new and exciting things, I've felt so weighted down lately, like there's not enough hours in the day. I've not even gotten a real chance to practice the exercises I learned in my mastery class. I have the best of intentions, as always, then just get overwhelmed with life and it goes to the back burner. I don't want to fail at this, it seems like if I did that would be an epic fail lol.
