Dear You,
I love you, God I do. I don't know what has happened between us. I don't know why I am no longer happy, I don't know what changed. Somewhere along the way something happened that changed my ability to trust you, to feel secure in our love, in our relationship. Again, I don't know what that was specifically, maybe it was a combination of things. I wish I could be the bigger person and truly forgive you for what happened on graduation day but I'm not there yet, if ever. That day was one of the most important days of my life and you missed out on something that was very important to me. I know you think it's just a party but it was more than that to me, it makes me sick to think how little you seem to care about my feelings, that because you either minimized the situation or really thought it wasn't a big deal that then everything was "ok", that what your parents wanted to do was more important than standing up for yourself and being an adult. I know you wanted to be there with me so why didn't you?
I don't know how to talk to you anymore without fighting and that just baffles me. It frightens me to look into what I see are blank eyes when we are having a serious conversation about the state and future of our relationship. You seem completely out of touch with reality, that everything is fine. But I am no longer happy with you, and your apparent apathy is disillusioning and heartbreaking to me. I know that you pray. I know that you feel that if this is meant to be that it will work out. However, you can't just leave the "garden" unattended, you have to work at it, it doesn't just happen.
Life is so uncertain for the both of us right now. I have no idea where I will be in six months, let alone a year. You wish to have more education and I support that. I just feel like we are going in two different directions and a break up seems imminent unless we get some kind of counseling. I don't feel like I know you anymore, or if I ever really did. You were so eager to please that I do not feel that either you or I know who you truly are. I don't know what we have in common anymore, you seem so indifferent to everything. I know it's not necessary to be with someone that is a carbon copy of myself but I don't feel like you're interested in the same things I am. You don't want to travel, you don't like wine, your mindset is just not where I am at in life. You're inexperienced and even though it's only five years between us it feels like more.
We both seem so angry lately and get defensive about everything. I don't feel connected to you the way I used to and that's what hurts the most. I feel it... You don't hold my hand the way you used to, you don't text me sweet messages, everything is short and to the point. I feel like there is an absence of intimacy, that we are just going through the motions. There's only so much apologizing we can do before we have to make a real effort to fix what's wrong or just go our separate ways. Deep down I do feel like we are meant to be together. I have never felt the kind of love that I felt with you, which makes this all the more distressing and traumatizing. This is what I meant by getting to a point where so much has happened that you just can't do it anymore. I don't want to get to that point but I want to stop hurting you and you hurting me.
You talk of compromise but the one thing I want and frankly need from you is a willingness to go to therapy but that has not materialized. I know you've had bad experiences with them before and I know you're scared. I'm scared too. I don't know what will happen but I can't just let this fall apart, I wish I'd been more insistent that we visit with R so we never would have ended up in this place. I need you to communicate openly with me, to trust me. I promise I will give my all to save this relationship if you will.
I love you my honey bear.
Always,
Me
