I wanted to blog because I know I need to make this more habitual, not just something I use when I'm upset and need to vent.
Things are a lot better this last day or two, I'm not as emotional or feeling sick the way I have been since Monday. I took A to a sort of gay prom last night, unfortunately very few people showed up but I think that was because it was poorly organized and held at a bad time (too close to finals and everyone goes home on Fridays so... yeah ha). Either way, I got her a corsage and myself a boutonniere and we got dressed up so it was nice to at least imagine we could have a real prom for ourselves. I finally get to bring a date and one that I want to bring lol.
I'm just trying to take it one day at a time and hold space till I can speak with R. It helped that I was able to talk to Mom on Thursday, I'm very lucky that she's my mom and that she's there for me. I feel like lately it's been wearing on me that things are the way they are here as far as attitudes about sexuality and stuff. It upsets me that I'm so concerned about it but I don't like being stared at or judged because I love someone that is the same gender as me. It's frustrating... I really wish I could meet A's family and be accepted. I'm not happy that I can't meet them at graduation. Since I'm going to A's ceremony and hers is first, I have decided to just stay at her apartment while she goes to lunch with her family. I know I'm not invited. I'm sure that they will want to visit her apartment but that's not really my problem, that defiance is my bitterness about the whole thing. I guess I honestly thought that even though her mom knows about me that I would still be included. I guess I didn't know or didn't realize how much grief her mom gives her about me and her "choices". She seems like someone that has to have a negative opinion about everything. She was happy that she finally found a dress to wear for graduation and all her mom chose to say was that it the color was pretty but that it looked cheap.
I thought by now A would trust me more with her thoughts and opinions. Maybe I've not been doing my part to make her feel safe enough, I don't know. I do know that I've had too many moments where I feel like I've been out of control with my emotions and have been quick to say something harsh. I don't want to do this anymore. It astounds me how she just is so confident in her belief that we belong together, I wish I had her stability and sense of faith. I don't want to break up or anything, I just tend to go worst case scenario and feel like things are over if even the slightest thing goes wrong. I hope it all gets smooth out here soon.
