These last few days have been a true roller-coaster of emotion. I am glad that I will meet with R but it won't be till next Thurs. and I feel like I need to talk with her now before I make anymore mistakes.
I cussed at A on Monday in an intentionally harsh way. I couldn't believe it then or now that I said it. I NEVER thought I would say something like that to her, ever. I respected and loved her too much... I don't think it's ok on any level, yet I did. I don't know what's going on with me lately, or her for that matter. We have been so good for one another too. I looked on FB last night and previous statuses from only a few weeks ago, and they were happy ones, ones that exclaimed my love for her and the happiness I felt. I have no idea what has changed that I'm now constantly on edge, scared of myself for what I might say or do. I don't feel like like I can relax at all, that I am constantly on edge. My stomach is twisted in knots and I'm feeling like I did with O was mad at me as well as when she broke up with me, which I can't believe will be a year next week.
What bothers me more is that she seems sort of unfazed by it all, saying it's ok and stuff. I don't know how she could justify this and still love me, still want me, still feel safe with me. I feel like I broke some kind of preciousness within me that has ruined my image of her and our relationship. I feel like I'm fighting for it's existence and she continues to maintain that things are fine and that I over-reacted with being so hard on myself. I don't know what to do when I feel like I'm drowning and she's acting like it's all cool. It's terribly frustrating for me to have her be so emotionally disconnected like this. I feel like the intimacy is gone lately, that she doesn't reach out for me like she used to which makes me feel unwanted but then she told me that she feels like she has to ask me to kiss or touch her. I don't know how or why we're on two completely different pages, I wonder if we're in the same book. We are fighting constantly it seems and I'm just scared, I want things back to normal. I want my honeybear back... I know I don't deserve her but I want her.
