As of right now I'm doing ok. I'll be walking in two weeks which is surreal, I don't know what my life will be like post-college or how I will now be identified. For so long I've been the "student", working at the store because it was just a job to get me to graduation. It's carried me almost 11 years which I can't believe either. I feel like things just happen for me and to me in life. I don't mean that in a way of being out of control of my destiny, just that when I come to the end of something, eventually I'll find the new path I'm supposed to be on. This journey will conclude soon, but I have absolutely nothing lined up for the next adventure. It's sobering and unnerving but it is what it is what it is I suppose.
A and I are ok I think, school and life are just happening and it's tough. I needed some time to myself and since she went home this weekend and I was off work yesterday, I decided to have a "do not disturb" day. It was great! I think it upset her though because I requested that I be left alone for the day. I didn't want the feeling of needing to call or text her, honestly I didn't want any obligations what so ever and no one to bother me. I feel that she was agreeable because it's what I wanted but I think she took it as some sort of personal front to our relationship, as if I didn't love or need her. However, I do love her and feel like I want her in my life, I don't really want to need someone in that sort of way. It was great to feel uninterrupted by anything and I could do whatever I wanted.
I sometimes wonder if I'm cut out for this relationship thing. I love A deeply and feel the closest I've ever felt to her out of all my relationships. I feel like, in general, that I have freedom and the ability to do what I want. I don't have to worry and be scared that one "wrong" word (i.e. I love you *eye roll*) would send her flying off the handle. I know she loves me, that's pretty invaluable. I don't know what the future holds. Sometimes I think she's so young, even though it's only five years that separates us. We're in a critical time where things are unfinished and awkward, a time when five years does make a considerable difference, especially when she's been sheltered as much as she seems to have been.
I really wanted her to look into the social work/ws program in L. I'm really bummed that she decided to not pursue it, one huge reason being her fear of a city that size. I think it would've been great though. I dunno. I sometimes get the feeling we're inadvertently going in two different directions, but I really feel like I have no plan, no job, and no interest in grad school so what else is there for me right now? I want to travel and all that will do is take me away from her, I don't truly believe that our relationship could survive the strain if I was being honest.
I feel disconnected from her right now, her lack of emotionality is saddening to me. She's so focused on school and looking for a job, I feel like I'm talking to a best friend lately instead of my GF. She's been really depressed about gaining weight as well which makes her feel unattractive. There is nothing I can say to allay her beliefs, I've tried. On the surface I thought she was so different, now I'm wondering how different at all she is from O or J or anyone else I've been with. Only this time she says she's in love with me and wants to be with me. The honeymoon phase is over and I know relationships take work, I'm just at a loss right now as to what to do about it all.
We've been bickering more and I sometimes, quite frankly, feel like maybe O felt with me. That scares me. I've noticed myself doing things and sniping at A about something that I know O would've done the same to me. It upsets the both of us and then I feel like I'm being abusive to her, at we're in some kind of messed up situation. It doesn't help that when I try to talk to her about it she just says she's used to me freaking out. That makes me sick to my stomach... I never thought I'd be an abuser, but I feel like I am right now, verbally specifically, nothing else. Not that I'm condoning my behavior, just making it clear that it's not anything else.
