I wrote in my journal for the first time in months the other night and decided to re-read my last entry here before I typed anything because I knew it was originally written in frustration. It seems like this relationship is one of peaks and valleys. I don't know if that is how all relationships are, I realize that you can't be "on" or "perfect" 24/7 but I'm just overall weird about everything right now.
It felt like we were getting on the right track after I wrote that blog but now I sort of feel back in that spot. My body has seemingly shut down, has literally dried up with regards to her or anything else. I don't know if I should see a doctor or not but it's worrying me. I had a YI that I took some OTC stuff for and after that was done, I've not been feeling normal down there. I keep telling myself it's just stress but I'm tired of stress, I'm tired of everything.
I wish this weekend had lasted longer, I really needed and wanted more time to myself. I'm not looking forward right now to having her come back here, I'm nervous and stressed about it. I don't want my body to fail me, I don't know how it just seemed to stop being attracted to her physically. It makes me sick to think that this has happened. I'm going to call R tomorrow to set up an appointment asap. I feel like the survival of our relationship depends on it.
I've felt like I've tried to talk to her as best as I can, over and over again conveying how I feel and what I need and want from her. I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I don't know if it's just having the opposite effect or what but it's not working either way. I am so done with the passive aggressive "joking" that goes on. All I want is the sweetness, the loving nature I felt with her. It feels lost right now, I want us to nurture that back.
This can't be already going wrong, it's not even been 6 months yet.
I saw S yesterday and talked with her the for the first time in a long time. We chatted for about 3 hours at her home about what had been going on for us but obviously the main topic of conversation was O. Apparently S had finally stood up for herself which, not surprisingly upset O and they didn't really talk for almost 2 months. I couldn't hardly believe it since S was always up O's butt about everything. I found it funny that I realized I had missed O's birthday which was at the beginning of the month, her 40th. S said she's basically having a mid-life crisis and she thinks she may have finally gotten her to see that how miserable her life has become and the only way for her to fix that is to deal with her issues. I wish her the best of luck honestly, she has a lot of work ahead of her.
S asked me randomly if I felt that O was "fixed" that I would give her the opportunity to come back into my life as a gf/partner whatever. I wanted to say no but I knew it wasn't true and admitted as much. It wasn't like I was wanting that to be it but I knew that still 5-10% of me did. We talked about how engaging and charismatic O is, how she's able to really entrance you and suck you in.
It's still hard for me at rehearsals but not as much. Tonight was weird though because I felt like she was waiting for me to leave so she could follow behind me as she drove back. I think I said or did something during rehearsal that made her laugh and we made eye contact for a second and it just hurt because it felt normal to laugh and laugh with her. But that is no longer my life... It takes so much energy for me to be in that room, to not look at her and make eye contact. To not talk to her and have it feel like "old times". Change is so hard for me, I want to be better though. For myself and for Andrea and the sake of our relationship. I don't want this to fail, I love her too much to let it.
