Woowee it's been ages. I've been writing a lot more in my written journal so somehow bloggering hasn't happened till now. It's funny to read the last post from September when things between A and I were so new and innocent. I can't believe we have come this far and been together now almost five months in a few weeks. She's officially my GF which is still taking so getting used to for me. I initiated all of these steps as it was comfortable to me so there was no pressure but I find myself freaking out every so often because I'm not used to being in such a place.
These last two weeks have been a real struggle for the both of us. Things were fine up until school started back and ever since it's just been stress and bickering about dumb things. She's directing the VMs this year and having, in general, a hard time with wrapping up her college life and making decisions that will affect her future since she will graduate in May. I feel like I've been on this roller coaster with her and am really exhausted because of it. Not that I don't have my own problems but it's just been really draining to deal with everything lately. We've been pretty good communicating our frustration with things so I'm glad it's not just me that thinks there's a problem.
I'm just not really sure where to go or what to do right now. I really need to talk with R and get things sorted. I've felt my sex drive diminish greatly and no longer feel attracted to her like I once did. It's so bizarre and I don't know why. It scares me to think that I'm not attracted to her right now. I know it may sound petty and vain but she got a haircut a bit a go and I wasn't really in love (the way it was styled when at the salon it looked good, after that it's never grabbed me) with it and I the more I think about it I hate it. It's not like I can tell her that, she can't just re-attach the hair ha. I know she's not happy with it either but there's nothing to be done until it regrows which will be a while because it's way short compared to her normal cut.
O has been a huge issue too, it makes me want to press more for A and I to go see R to start some kind of therapy because that girl is really good at keeping shit to herself apparently. SS's concert was last night and the majority of the afternoon was taken up with A and I on the phone, me crying because I was so nervous about having her come and what would happen with O. I was upset enough at one point that I had to get off the phone so I could cry about it and get it out. When I called back she eventually told me she needed to say something and basically let out what I am guessing is five months worth of frustration on me about how I'm acting in regards to O. She basically feels like she doesn't come first and that if I wanted to get over her I would and that it deeply hurt her that I initially wouldn't let her come to my home and that she felt since she was letting me come to her dorm and stuff that she was showing all of herself to me and that I was still hiding from her and she was tired of me getting upset whenever she does something that reminds me of O and apparently she's felt that she has to walk on eggshells or something so I won't yell at her.
It really hurt me on one level to hear it, but I know some things were true. I feel exceptionally frustrated and a tad betrayed because I feel she more than knew what she was getting herself into and I explained to her countless times how she needed to be patient with me and I felt like she had been but to hear her talk about it yesterday made me feel like she's just been pissed all along that I was never hers to begin with. I knew I never should have never rushed into anything but I have always liked A and felt even when I was with O that it would be interesting to see what would happen if we were together.
I've been trying to say "goodbye" to O but it's not really working or I need another game plan. It's good that she'll now know I'm with someone but I'm wondering if I should continue to sing in SS because I find that the more I'm not around her the better it is, I don't know if it will ever get completely healed if I'm in her presence. I couldn't stop thinking about her last night (she looked stunning in her dress she wore for the show) and actually feel horrible to say it but was wishing I was with her last night instead of A.
I seem to be focused on the negative right now (one of the other things she mentioned yesterday, saying I was a pessimist and that I needed to life for today and not in the past) and keep thinking about how we're different and how the age thing is annoying me more than normal. I wish she loved food the way I do and had an appreciation for wine. I want to travel and go places but she's broke most of the time. If there was one thing however that I could just do without would be her utter inability to make a decision and her overt defensiveness when I bring it up and her acting like she makes decisions all the time. It's bullshit and it makes her come off as childish and immature. She says that she's most happy when everyone else is happy and I'm just not buying it. How can she not have an opinion or a want about something? It's GD ridiculous and it literally infuriates me.
Creepily enough, I sometimes see my relationship with O mirrored in her and I except the roles are reversed. I'm the older one and she's had a crush for forever and now I find myself getting so pissed with her for the most random of things. Like tonight we were making dinner and she didn't put enough oil in the pan for the sauce and it literally burned the crap out of the thing and browned all of the bottom. I was livid honestly. I feel foolish for being so angry but I was, I did the best I could to not blow up at her, it's just feels like a culmination of everything lately. I don't know what happened or what changed, I just know that after we got back to school things weren't the same and we've been arguing and she's been passive aggressive as hell and I'm miserable. I don't have as much fun with her anymore, I'm not excited to see her like normal. We both know something is wrong, neither of us knows how to fix it. I have this underlying dread that comes at times like this to re-enforce the insecurity I felt with thinking this was too soon for me to proceed, but I don't know how I would've gotten through these last months with out her. She told me tonight that it was almost 5 months and I wasn't really even excited... I'm worried... Really, really worried...
