I'm feeling a mountain of insecurity right now and it's eating away at each and everything I do. I'm failing classes and won't graduate in Dec. like I planned, I guess some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. I've found myself in the very early stages of a relationship with someone that I care about very much but the scars from my last relationship are haunting me. I'm so used to certain things and when she doesn't do them, it freaks me out and I don't know what to do or how to deal. O and I talked all the time, probably too much. However, I don't feel like A and I talk enough, or at least I feel like I initiate a lot of it. I felt bad bc I lied to her today about having my class canceled. I just didn't go. I didn't want to do it, so I didn't. I just wanted to hang with her and forget everything. She is the polar opposite of O and I'm just really happy being around her. I don't have to watch what I do or say, she is really laid back and kind and loving. She likes me to kiss her and hold her hand in public. Such a revolutionary act for me to do after before.
I feel myself just slipping away, my back problems are ruining my life. I don't feel like I have any direction or know what I'm doing anymore. I feel lost and a failure. I have this terrible fear that one day everyone will find out what a failure I am and realized they've been tricked into believing I was good and capable. I'm scared that A will see what's really there and not want to be with me when she realizes how much of a mess I am. I feel so connected with her and then I feel like she never talks to me. It's such an adjustment. I realized yesterday that I was just used to O and how she was needy and I liked being needed, it made me needy in return. I don't think A needs me, which is ok but I want to feel wanted and I sometimes confuse the not needed into being not wanted. Like after I dropped her off today I figured I'd talk to her later tonight after she was done with class but she didn't call or text. I saw her on FB chat just for a few minutes but she didn't talk to me and when I finally got the nerve to say hello she logged off. I don't know if she saw it or not.
I told her yesterday that while I wasn't ready to be officially GF I was ready to say I was seeing someone/dating. She seemed ok with that, I'm not used to leeway. She told me that I'm the one she wants but she will not be mad if I went out with someone else, and I don't know what to make of that. I don't want to assume that she wants me for keeps but I don't like feeling so much length in the rope.
I like her a lot. I've had to stop myself from saying I love you since it's only been a month or so. I dunno if she's mad at me or if she knows I lied to her about class or that maybe I'm coming on too strong. She sometimes doesn't respond when I send her texts that are emotional or deep. I feel really insecure right now, very reminiscent of O and I'm pissed about that. I don't want to feel like this again. A is good for me, I know this. Am I already asking/wanting too much? I thought I was taking this slow... I'm so confused.
