Oh lord...

My life is just a relative mess and I'm just ready to cry at the drop of a hat. Tomorrow marks O's departure for home and it feels like I'm being left all over again. I couldn't get her out of my head today and now I lay here on the couch, just waiting for an avalanche of tears to spill forth in response to my current swing of depression. I received a message from a chorus member on FB about 20-30 min. ago and I was thinking "Great! I really don't want to talk to her or add her." I scrolled through her friends and saw O there which shocked me... I guess it's her way to keep in contact while she's gone. I understand that and I'm obviously not going to contact her and don't expect her to contact me.

A part of me is screaming inside right now to call her or go to her house... As if that would change ANYTHING... It wouldn't. I didn't go to her going away party and tomorrow sometime (morning I'd imagine) she's leaving this country for an indeterminate amount of time... See this is why I didn't want to talk with her... I don't what to know what's really going on, I just want to remain in my bubble so I can be safe from her and from the excruciating pain I've been experiencing these last 3 months.

I feel like my body is breaking down and is in ravages. I know I need to make a change. I KNOW IT... I don't know where to being or how to start. Last night I remembered how I went to her when my father died. She held me so perfectly. She knew what I was going through and how I felt. I had a sense of protection that in that moment enveloped me and has in some ways never left until now. Now that we're broken up and no longer together. I'm sure she'd argue that we could be friends. I just don't understand that, it feels still impossible. My heart feels shattered because I know now and can admit that I was in love. I let myself fall. Funny how that just seems like the theme of my life. Falling down all the time for everything and everyone.