I've been promising myself to write and somehow I've managed to avoid it apparently for two months, which I just can't believe how the time has passed. These last few months have been a struggle but I've been slowly finding my way. Learning to be on my own has been hard but I need to make this my new life. The physical intimacy is what I miss the most. Of course I wonder how she is and what's been going on in her life. It still feels like the pain will never go away, that I will always want to connect with her on that level. I just can't go back to the way it was before, it's too hard and I don't want to be reminded of what I can no longer have and what I should no longer want.
I received an email via a list-serve about how she was going back to Russia on the 3rd of August and I just don't even know how to react to that. I'm sure it must be something to do with her mom, we'd talked a long time ago how she thought she'd eventually need to return to care for her, I just can't believe it's now, even though we're not speaking. I some small way I feel like I'm losing her all over again, if that makes any sense. The email was an invitation to a going away party and I just don't think I should go. It's not like it's going to change anything or really make me feel better. I'm thinking I will call S to find out more and part of me does want to at least let her know that I wish her a safe trip because of course I still care (let's be real here, love her) and want things to be good for her.
I miss her. Still...
I'm tired of that though and I'm tired of never feeling good anymore. My body seems to be in revolt and I'm in chronic and constant pain. It's quite awful. I'd like to start exercising and improving myself because I know that will make me feel better but my physical pain is so great that it makes that out of reach currently. I've tried to do the energy thing R showed me but I don't know if I've done it often enough or doing it right still because I've noticed no change.
Most days I wish I could just push the pause button on my life and take myself out of the equation for a while and go somewhere to convalesce. Get away from school, from work, from people... I want happiness in my life again and a feeling of fulfillment that I've not felt since before dad died. That's the last time I consciously remember feeling good about myself, my life, the way things were going. Everything after has been one big painful blur.
I'm supposed to be graduating in Dec. but I've already withdrawn from my first summer class and am failing my other one. I hate the position I'm in. I f-ing hate school and clearly would quit if I weren't so close to being done. I still feel so negative about myself and think that I've failed at everything I've done. I feel so stupid half the time and don't even try which is just the perfect setup. A trap I fall into EVERY, SINGLE time.
And I recognize this.
Yet...
Here I type, wishing someone would just come in and fix things for me because I feel so helpless and I'm the only one that can do this. This is why I want to get away, to get my head on straight. I feel like failure though and the longer I prolong my life the worse it will be. I hate my job, hate that everyone knows me and has some opinion of me. I wish I could go where no one knew me but I don't even know where to go. I thought Baltimore but I don't think I have the vision and hearing requirements that are needed to be in the PD there which just fuels my self-rejection of never being good enough or just always being a day late and a dollar short.
