It's been a tough few days lately. She's "reached out" twice, once via text and the other via email. I wish she would leave me alone, yet I know I need to be clear and let her know what's up. I was so wishy-washy on the phone with her that I can see how she would think it was technically ok to contact me. The longer I'm away from her, I just want to further the distance. I don't want to see her, hear her voice, I don't want to be reminded of her at all, in essence she is dead to me. It's weird because I still feel in limbo, like I don't believe that this is real. Having her be out of the country for so long makes it easier to divorce myself from reality, thinking somehow that she is just temporarily away and that she will be back soon.
I don't cry as often and I don't if that's a good or a bad thing. I'm trying to keep myself busy and it's technically working but of course I still think about her and remember her. Last night I realized that this time last year, I spent Memorial Day with her, one of her best friends at the time and that friend's daughter at a local park. It was a really fun day and that morning we'd had so much sex that she walked funny (ha) the rest of the day. When we got back to her house, just the two of us, we had this amazingly profound discussion and I remember feeling so connected to her and how beautiful that was. Those are the things I miss... Which when I think about it I know that such feelings and connections have been missing for a lot longer than just the last two months leading up to this.
I'm trying to feel the anger and deal with that. I get pissed thinking about how she treated me and how I let her treat me. In the end I was walking around on eggshells and just wanted to protect her, making everything perfect. Everything that could go wrong would according to her. It was as if the whole life experience was kryptonite to her. I think she is selfish to expect friendship so soon. I told her that I thought it was possible in general but obviously we have different time lines. If she thinks I will go out of my way and do what I did before she is definitely mistaken. I realize now I did so much out of what I imagined was necessity to keep things together and to keep her happy. I no longer feel obligated to do so and really want to just tell her to fuck off... or something.
I'm debating about the singing engagement we are performing at on Saturday. I thought maybe she wouldn't be there but found out she'll be performing with us so now I don't want to go. On one hand I don't want her to control my decisions, I know that I want to sing and that under "normal" circumstances I would (however, frankly if this was "normal" I wouldn't even be there, I'd be in Cincy with her for our long, romantic getaway weekend that is now obviously off) but it's not normal and I know that I don't want to see her and deep down I don't care what she thinks and if that hurts her well fine. She invited me to her ex's b-day party which I was just like wtf. We were together a year and some change and it never came up about my birthday, but she's going to team up with ex's new gf to throw her a party? Yeah, a big fuck you for that.
I think now how little I got in return for what I gave, and boy howdy I gave and gave and gave and gave and gave. I gave all I could. 120%. At this point I'm drained and listless and I don't want to give anymore. At least to someone that gives so little in return. I know I should not have expected what I did. That was unfair for the both of us. But I'm a lover, I know this about myself. I'm a deep and passionate. I want that depth and passion from another woman, someone that can meet me. I know it's rare and for that I feel somewhat cursed. I don't feel as if I need someone to "complete" me I just feel that I would be great in a relationship and my instinct is to find someone and settle down. I don't want to play the field and be adventurous in that way. I feel too much to do that. I can't have casual sex.
The messed up thing now is that there was a part of me that really just felt O was it for me. That I had finally found someone and that I would be with her for always, no matter how much I said this wasn't going to be forever and it was just a situation of convenience for two friends that would disperse after I graduated. I really felt like I would be with her indefinitely. I really built a part of my life around her and presence.
I don't know how to fix myself right now. For how much I miss her... ache for her... it's not been a month yet, and it's just killing me.
