It seems that what's not being said is more important than what is.
I keep waiting for her to call. I wonder how she is doing, if she is ok. Every time I get an email, a message, a phone call (especially from home b/c she was the only one that called me on that line), I jump thinking/hoping it's her. But it's not. We are no longer together. I was dumped. Broken up with. Cut loose. Abandoned. Sure you could read that as dramatic but emotions are inherently dramatic and whether or not I want to admit what I'm feeling I know that I'm feeling all of that and more.
I feel empty and lost, but more than anything I feel alone. She says she wants to be friends but how is that possible? I can't act like I don't still want her, I can't just cut off my emotions. I knew we'd go our separate ways eventually but I honestly thought it would be out of necessity when I graduated in December. I couldn't have imagined that it would be now, after we made plans to go to Cincy for a romantic 3 day getaway at the end of the month at a extremely nice hotel that was non-refundable. Not now, not a week before my damn birthday and with absolute certainity not because of some loss of feeling on her part, that I no longer brought out a passionate response, that the magic, esentially, was gone. I think that's the biggest lie of them all. At first I thought it was utterly proposterous so it had to be true. However, I don't know if I believe it anymore. We almost became intimate Sun. night after rehearsal. Was it just habit? Did she just miss me? If that was the case did she not miss me while she was gone to Africa? I wanted her of course but there was a part of me that did it because I wanted, needed, to prove to myself that I could do it, that I still had the ability, the power to make her want me. That's why I think her excuse is bullshit.
For the time being, I'm still angry, still hurt. I know it will pass eventually and I can't wait for it to do so. I don't know what our relationship will look like from now on. In all honesty, I don't think it has truly sunk in fully yet. It was easier to micro-manage knowing I'd have to see her for chorus related things. Now that the literal show is over, so goes the proverbial one. I no longer have to contact her for anything and will not have to see her unless I want to. It is an exceptionally odd feeling that still steeps itself in loneliness and emptiness in a way I have not experienced in a long time. A year went by so quickly and I already want it back, I want that love and joy back. I want the good memories and the long nights to comfort me and be real again. I know I will love again, but this first one, it cuts the deepest. I don't know how she could walk away from me, how she could treat me the way that she did. I loved her... I don't regret it but it doesn't make it hurt less, right now it just makes it hurt more. I had yet to experience an intertwining of lives that was so intense, I don't know how to extricate myself. I guess it's happening every second, of every day. By not talking to her, seeing her, kissing her, I guess it will go away. For now though I never wanted it to. I just wanted to be loved and to be happy. Right now I don't feel either. I just want this to stop.
