Time has been rushing by again so quickly and a lot is changing in my life. I know this change is for the better but it is hard all the same, a marking of time to move on and grow up. I made a commitment to clean out my bedroom, even taking vacation time from work to do it since I knew that if I didn't I would be much more liable to let things slide. I feel that I've been productive but it's really OVERWHELMING and the dust that has accumulated is torturous.
It's funny in a ironic way how we allow ourselves to live. I've been doing my best to trash certain things and others box away to be donated or sold to consignment hopefully. I'm still left with quite a lot of things however and I am frustrated by that. I want to minimize as much as possible and stay that way. I have been weary long before this moment about the "affluenza" that has gripped America (myself included). I'm no longer (deep down at least, the surface of myself is another story) interested in having things and buying books just to show that I own them. In the past it has been a great comfort to me but now I feel burdened by it. It was my wall of protection I suppose but I've been consciously trying not to buy books/magazines in the last few years because of all the excess that has amassed itself.
It's also been a struggle because my mom is removing items from the house to take to her bf house where she now lives. There's some child part of me that screams "No! You don't get to move on before I do!" a part that feels left behind and abandoned to live without protection and in fear. I know that sounds extreme but those emotions are real and raw and I'm having a hard time with them. I love my mom so much and she deserves this happiness. I'm glad it has been gradual and not all at once because I wouldn't be able to deal with that if it were. Still, these changes and moves are painfully difficult and it reminds me how easily I am gripped in a depression over it. I value my space here, yet feel lonely. I've thought of asking T to move in here but I can't just kick him out when O is here because I want privacy... I know Mom wants to rent the space that she's vacating which makes perfect sense, I just waffle back and forth about having someone here.
On top of all this O and I are distant lately because our schedules have not at all jived. She'll be leaving for 3 weeks in April to travel abroad and I'm excited for her but will obviously miss her. She has been surprisingly reassuring about this situation, acknowledging our lack of time together and how it sucks, ect. Normally it's not like that so I've been appreciative about that. I wish I'd thrown a day or two of work into my schedule, this whole autonomy thing isn't working out well at all. Anyway, time for lunch with L and moving some things out. Good luck to me :)
