I need to comment on how many "blast from the pasts" I've had recently. Within a span of a week I received a FB message and phone call from J, a FB message from Ali, and a Reunion request from a girl I was friends with about 5-6 years ago in a lgbt group at the university. It made me feel like Mercury was retrograding but that's not for another few weeks at least.
J wanted to get coffee and when she called me we decided to go after she returned from a trip on the 6th. I'm nervous obviously but it was interesting talking to her on the phone and how much I just rolled my eyes at what she was saying. It's incredibly sad how little she seems to have changed in the last 2 years. I thought maybe she'd made some friends at school yet the friends she's going on this trip with are all women she knew from her dancing days. It's not like I don't think she could have friends from then, it's just obvious that her life is not that life anymore and it would be beneficial for her to not re-enter that... At least that's my opinion but what she does with her life isn't really much of a concern anymore.
Seeing Ali's message was just WEIRD... Especially how passive aggressive it was ("Hello, to a girl I once knew"). Really? Really? Please... Why bother contacting me if you're going to act that way. I didn't answer for a few days at first because I really didn't know what to say honestly and I was also just have a lot of stress from Gracie being gone and O that it wasn't a priority to deal with. We've messaged a bit and she requested my friendship but there's not been any move to meet up at this time. I kind of didn't want to friend her simply b/c I thought she just wanted to keep up with me... I don't know what her real intention is... That whole part of my life is somewhat unresolved but I do recall Rebecca telling me why should I want to be friends with someone that treated me the way that she did.
The last girl is a total out of nowhere thing. I couldn't tell you when I last saw/spoke to her. I thought she was a nice girl but that her gf was a bitch and was mean to her. The website she contacted me through isn't one that I'm apart of and while it's free to join, you can't view any profile info without paying a fee (but of course, how lame and stupid). So I didn't join but I was curious what she was up to. Obviously she has my email so if she really wanted to contact me she could. Same thing for me I guess because it revealed hers when the request was sent.
We'll see...
I've made an appointment with Rebecca for next week which I'm really looking forward to. I was devastated about not getting into my practicum in NYC and still feel strongly pulled to it. It felt so right and an obvious next step for me. I'm just trying to trust the process and believe that there's a reason why I didn't get it but I'm having a hard time accepting this. Graduation is, frankly, fast approaching. I should be done by August I think, unless I fail some other class. By the grace of God, I passed Biology this term which is great. I'm still not registered though for Spring because I've dragged my feet about Cref. It's bad and I know it. I'm broke essentially and there's no way I can register for classes until I pay off my bills from last term. Crazy I know...
I just don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going right now. I'm not feeling law enforcement the way I used to. I don't know if that's because of the people I'm around or if it's the profession in general. My passion has diminished. I was so excited to find something to do, something I thought and felt truly that I would be good at and viola I could major in it too. Now... I just feel lost, frustrated, and scared. I don't want to be a corporate drone, some gray suited nitwit in a cubicle who goes to press the flesh and "network". Couldn't possibly give two shits about all of it.
So... Again... What I'm I doing?
