Things are quite strange right now, I'm in uncharted territory with O and I'm trying to float through it unscathed. It seems like since I last wrote things have backslid even further. She has reverted to behavior that is of a child, completely incapable of taking, literally, any responsibility for anything. I've always viewed her as a difficult person, ever since we got to know one another years ago. She's not really someone that goes with the flow, she's more of a control freak/neat/clean freak if anything. I felt like I'd made true, genuine progress and while I'm not saying that I, overall, haven't, I can definitely say that I feel like whatever was established and seemed to become integrated, has been either put into some dark cellar corner of her psyche or she's completely eschewed it.
Bottom line, I do love her. Real line? I'm getting tired of this negativity. I'm getting pissed that she will now go out of her way to not touch me or kiss me. I know inherently it's her issues not mine, but being rejected after being so utterly embraced is disorienting, frustrating, and honestly hurtful, even though I know I shouldn't take it personally. It's insulting to what we had and I still don't really know where it went. All I can go on at this time was that she gave it her best but it turns out that she's incapable of having a real anything with me even though that is what it was. I want her to get better, I know that she can. I see such potential, I know it's possible. However, I cannot forever ignore the negativity that surrounds her thoughts now. This iPod was supposed to be a fun gift, something that she's wanted for quite a while, now it seems like it's the bane of her existence, and I'll be the first to admit that I've never seen someone have so much trouble with iTunes, but it really turned into some kind of curse.
I sometimes feel like I'm grasping for straws. I vacillate between being ok and and not being ok. I want things to be good again, I have hope and I belief that it can. I feel crazy in some way, like I'm just seeing what I want to see instead of reality which has been something that has been an issue for me most of my life. I don't want to prove her right. I just don't know how this will go, she is seemingly so unhappy with herself. That's what it really comes down to and why I know it really has nothing to do with me, it's her polarizing unhappiness that has come back to haunt her. Did I chase it away for a time? Is it back because I went back to school? I know it's not my fault, I'm not saying that. I'm still just trying to construct what happened. In the end I guess it won't make much difference or make me feel any better because I still end up on my own.
