I should be doing homework right now but I'm writing instead. Things are still crazy with O, a roller coaster ride. I had a long talk with her last Friday about the status of things and my suspsions were confirmed. She feels that I've become to close to her and that she wants me to find other things to do and other ppl to see. She feels like I've put too much of myself into her and the relationship and just reiterated her wish to be friends. Of course I'm glad to know the lay of the land but I had truly hoped that it wasn't going to turn out this way. Miscommunication seems to rule my interactions with her.

Another big drama happened on Sunday at the track and it ended with us not speaking until Wed. late afternoon. We went to a quick dinner last night and then a double feature at the movies. It was nice to hold her in the theatre. We'd squeeze one another tight and hold hands. The conversation at dinner was frank for the most part but stressful. She said she was glad I called because she felt that this time she probably wouldn't have. I told her that I was genuinely confused about how things went on Sunday and that the only reason why I'd not called was because she seemed so mad when we left rehearsal that she wouldn't have wanted me to call. She blamed me for her being late (which was a big reason why she was so mad) but it's technically both our faults. I thought I was going to drive to rehearsal but I didn't know if she needed to go home so I offered and she said yes. This was a huge showing of how she's truly incapable of take responsibility for her actions. She certainly could and should've said no and to just drive on, but to suggest that just because I suggested it that it was necessary for her to accept, making her late is ridiculous on so many levels.

I think things are alright now but I'm not really happy. I've tried to make plans for myself (I've been with T all day since I got off work and will go to the bar later, which I invited her to but she eventually said no which I'm still not happy about even though not an hour before we talked I was thinking about how I wanted to go w/o her) which is what she asked of me and what R asked of me as well which I know is the best thing I guess. I just really want to reconnect sexually and it didn't happen last night b/c she was dead tired. I didn't really sleep well either and I'd hoped to be with her tonight after the bar but I guess that's not gonna happen. She apologized though for last night and that she really did want to have sex she was just done and I know how that is, it's happened to me before too. I'm just craving that and feeling horny so yeah... GREAT way to be right now.

I just want to get out of the country for a bit with Iz and just travel. I want everything to be ok no matter what. I guess that's unrealistic and naive. I just want love and up until now I was getting some great lovin' from her. I dunno... Just tired of everything and miss the good times we had.