To take words from my mom, "I'm in crisis"...
I feel frozen, completely unsure of what to do. I feel completely shut out from O's life right now, that she has just shut down on me. I vacillate between hope and despair every minute. I don't know what is going on and she is not willing to tell me.
I guess I really do know what is going on, she just won't allow me to discuss it with her. I'd rather have her tell it to my face than just cut off communication with me. I've been noticing these last few weeks a withdrawal that was slow but has now become practically complete. She wouldn't return my phone calls this weekend and seeing her last night at rehearsal was initially hopeful but quickly shot down. I tried to talk with her but she seemingly wouldn't give me the time of day. It was a completely fluff conversation, short and curt if anything.
We had a mess of an evening this Friday because our plans just fell apart, I don't know if this was the straw that broke the camel's back, it's starting to feel like it. She's never been this withdrawn from me. I've not spoken to her or emailed all day and haven't had anything from her. I cried so much last night because I realized that here I'd been so worried she'd be saying it was too hard and just peacing out but in actuality it's already started. The fact that she has shut down on such a massive scale... I don't know how to respond to this. If anything it doesn't seem to matter, she's already made her decision, she's just not had the nerve to tell me to my face.
My only real hope/wish at this time is to have an open and honest conversation with her. I asked to to go to dinner tonight but she said she had plans with someone (again the complete vagueness is ridiculous) and then I asked her about doing it some other time this week and all she said was that she didn't know and would have to see. I'm hurt of course, but I don't want to become mean/resentful and the longer I'm held off the more I feel it. I do love her and want her to do what's best for herself. I want her to know that at the end of the day that I love her and accept her for who she is. These "conflicts" are just us having differences which I think is normal and I'm ok with it, nothing is ever perfect. I can't help but feel like there is serious misunderstandings going on (and with the planetary alignment what it is that's utterly valid) and I just want to work this out. I know this won't be forever but I don't want it to be over prematurely. I love having her in my life on this level and I don't want that to go away.
I'm just exhausted and feel gutted and just want the opportunity to hold her, kiss her, love on her, and talk and work this out.
