Well it's only been an hour and I'm typing again... Trying to make myself feel better...
I'm feeling REALLY lonely right now and not really sure what to do about it. Sometimes I just don't know how the relationships that I had in life have fractured apart and are gone. Today was just not a terribly good day for me, I wish I could've made it to my other classes so I could at least feel productive right now.
I miss O, I don't even know how many times I can type that, I still end up in the same spot. I also miss my school friends that no longer go here or don't live on campus anymore, especially my friend T. I knew that when he moved off campus it would be hard but now that he doesn't even live in town anymore and commutes, it's now hitting me how much I miss him and his presence. I want to go grocery shopping and I know, rationally, that I can do this on my own. I'm 25 for cryin' out loud. It's just that we would always go or he'd just go even if he didn't need anything so we could talk. I've done this with other ppl as well but he was always there, and now he's not. I've already been here 4 years, I don't want or feel like I should have to start making new friends, especially since I was never their age/maturity level to begin with. It's only gotten more so now. I do still have a few people here but... It's just different. I could always count on E being in the library and it was great b/c this helped me study but now that she's working on her senior thesis, she doesn't have homework per se and she feels like the library stifles her creative energy (she's an Eng. major) so she never goes there. Again, I know I can go by myself but I'm just not motivated, I need a "study buddy" and one that I actually get on with. I know certain ppl here that like being around me which is great but I'm just at a place where I'm picky about who I hang with and some of these ppl are just immature or they're draining on energy so I can't see the ppl that I want to see but could see plenty of ppl that I don't.
I'm not wanting to build my life around O, but it's only the beginning of week two of me being down here and we've got 2 1/2 more months of this and I'm already just feeling crazy. It's like re-learning to walk or something ridiculous like that. It was just nice this summer when we both worked and if there was something social that was cool and either way, we saw each other most days and spent most nights together, we just sorta clicked. I feel really outta sorts and totally unmotivated to do what I should do (i.e. homework!) I just sit here and mope about things I can't change. Sure I could go home but I still won't see her so I can either be lonely here or there and to do that is just a waste of gas and dumb. It would be worse there simply knowing I was only 15 min. away, makes me feel impotent sorta lol.
