I'm happy to be typing a post about something completely unrelated to my quasi-GF however the topic of this blog is still decidedly winsome.
Around this time last year I had been actively hanging out with a group of lesbians in my area. Some of them I'd know for a long time, others only a year or two but either way, I enjoyed them. Anyway, at the end of Sept. last year I'd reached a "point of no return" if you will in regards to how I perceived my treatment from others. I felt ignored and lonely due to the fact that there was no longer any social ties being actively kept. The will to just work and spend one-on-one time with partners was paramount and the once plentiful social gatherings that were weekly along with phone conversations, literally, ceased.
I know it wasn't just me (as in it was just me that was being excluded), it was just a general downturn that I wasn't at all ready or willing to handle. I was hurt and upset that I now seemed to play not even second fiddle but at minimum third, fourth, ect. and I didn't feel that was justified or fair. I'd experienced this before where a friend would be cool single and then when a relationship was started just, *poof, and vanish into thin air, only to return a few months later (after everything had fallen apart) acting like nothing had happened and they'd been MIA. I don't appreciate that and I sure as hell don't respect that.
I wrote a rather scathing blog on my MS account (which I'd originally created b/c FB wasn't accessible at the time to ppl not in college) about how I wasn't some dumb dog that would come running whenever I was thrown a bone, that I wanted/expected some equal participation in these friendships. I also opined about the lack of real "connectivity" that MS and FB were promoting, that I could be found in the real world where phone calls and coffee dates are hard copy, not some bullshit wall post.
From that day on, I was no longer going to actively participate in MS and was thus "cutting myself off". And I did. It wasn't until the end of Dec. that I unknowingly was spending the last bits of time with this group. During break I was set up on a blind date that went horribly bad in front of many of them and the woman that set me up was a crush whose GF was threatened by me. Basically drama... Shocker... So I just stopped calling, stopped everything really and just... Waited. The silence was deafening. It still is. The longer it went, the further I slipped into solitude and seclusion (from them specifically). It was too painful to deal with and it was saddening/maddening as well.
Anyway, the reason I'm typing is that I recently had a dream about the crush and it was interesting and made me think about everything and where I'd ended up. It also made me think about how in June I ran into one of them in downtown, the one I had known the longest and she seemed to genuinely wonder what happened to me and wanted to see what I was up to. It was rushed though and I wanted to talk more but it didn't happen. I never did get a call after that. I know that relationships are a two way street, but when you've spent your life feel like you're doing most, if not all the work, it's just exhausting. After awhile you just step back to see what happens and in that space, reality will smack the crap outta ya.
I do, believe it or not, miss them. A lot actually.
But I don't know how to reach out, I don't really know how to explain myself, I don't know how or if I'd even fit back into that life. I don't know if there's a place for me at the table. I know it's my responsibility. I'd just like someone to call and offer me my chair back.
