I'm pretty tired right now, and really just drained. I actually moved some things into my dorm room today so after this weekend I'll be living back there again, which I'm ok with I guess. Driving as much as I have in the last two weeks was unbelievable, especially with our trip to DC.
Overall I felt the trip went very well, she seemed very happy to be there and to really enjoy herself. I realize that there are parts of herself that she probably feels like she can't embrace here, and that's very unfortunate. We were able to hold hands most of the time and I know that we both really relished it. She even got an apartment book to look through. Main problem is that it is SO expensive there, we'd have to make at least 100,000+ just to live in the area of where our hotel was located. It was beautiful though, especially the drive through MD. I had forgotten that we flew to DC when I was younger so I missed all of that, very glad to see it.
I've been reading previous posts and just shake my head at the fact that still after all this time I feel like I'm on a roller-coaster. I need to call R and make another appointment. I wish she would see someone herself, she hasn't had that kind of support in the last few months. I think anyone can benefit from therapy and I just want to see her healed, healthy, and happy. I can't do that for her and it's not my job either way. I realize she's made considerable progress... but there is still a heaviness that I've been feeling for a while now. I want to be light and airy, I don't want her mental state/attitude to be a barometer for my happiness or disposition.
She told me the other night that she needed to have friendships to support her b/c "what if you just walk out on me, I need to have some kind of support system". I was pretty floored with that, simply b/c I had and still have no idea where that came from. I would appreciate some honesty between us, to admit the reality that we're together, that I'm not wanting to control/smother her like her ex did, that I just want to be happy and for her to be happy as well, and it seems as though we do a pretty good job of that when it's going well. I need more clarification from R about how to take care of myself so I don't look to her and expect something from her that she can't give me. I seem not yet able to walk that line yet, we talk so much about anything and everything, which just makes me feel that I can tell her anything. I know my word choice was poor, I wish I could go back and get a mulligan. I'd like for her to own her stuff though and not feed me BS about how it's b/c she's Ru that she is the way she is.
My genuine intention isn't to change/mold her into something or someone that she's not, I just wanted her to know that I felt ignored and that her actions were rude. I only apologized for putting an expectation on her that was unfair (i.e. I should've nurtured myself per R's instructions), I didn't apologize for saying she was rude. If she wants to talk w/ her friends, go right ahead, I have no problem with that. It irks me that she thinks I want her only to myself and that I would isolate her (my thoughts/assumptions not her words), I would just like her to be fully present when we're together. I know I am when I'm with her. Besides, I've pretty much moved back now so she'll have all the time she can stand during the week to go and do as she pleases, as will I.
No more games baby, just level with me. I love you.
