So I'm pretty much moved back into my dorm and while I'm happy to have it all settled, my mind continuously wanders back to O and how much I miss her and want to be with her, if anything at least in the same town. I didn't know how hard it would be to leave and in a way I still don't. I've yet to spend a full week away from her. Not since she went to FL for a vacation in June have not seen or talked to her everyday. It's hard in the immediate right now because she's had a really bad last few days and the only thing I'm interested in is attempting to comfort her from afar. I decided to stay home last night (had to come home anyway because I didn't bring laundry until today) and wanted to see her but she said she need time alone which I respect so no dice there.
My afternoon class is cancelled for tomorrow and Friday so I was thinking that whatever I needed to do tonight, which is really minimal, I could do it tomorrow. I want to go home to see her, not gonna lie (plus she has my grocery coupons that I *really* need). I know I can't just drop everything and run back, if I had a serious boatload of stuff to do I would attend to that instead. I just know that I'm only 30-45 min. away and that I want to see her. It's very strange being in the position, I've never been in a long distance relationship before. It was different of course last term because everything was still so new and we were used to not seeing one another on a regular basis. Summer, of course, changed all that and we were able to spend a great deal of time together and we became integrated quickly, even more so now because I was able to tidy my place up enough that now she can stay with me instead of me always staying with her.
She means a great deal to me... Maybe more than I realize consciously. I'm still minimizing certain emotions because there's nothing terribly official about us. We're still not saying anything to anyone in the chorus and the progress I've had so far with her is to call me her lover, which is more to me than just a friend. She also had a client from her work ask her out and she told them she was seeing someone which was huge in my opinion. The fear that runs her life is really debilitating, controlling her thoughts, actions, everything. I need to make an appointment with Rebecca, it's been too long.
Other than that though, things are going pretty well, stable for the most part. I can't believe it's been six months since we started this thing up. It's been a very interesting journey and there are times when I wish I could read her mind and times when I know what she is thinking but she's just afraid to say it. I would like for her to not be afraid, but I need to remind myself that it's not my place to change someone, they're the only one's that can do that and they must do it themselves. She hasn't said "ILY" in a long time and I don't know if that's because she's starting to feel more and just can't say it or what. Originally she was the first one to say it after we started and I actually told her to not say it considering the situation, but we've both said it to one another in Eng. and in Rus. so... I dunno...
I'm ok though, it's nice to type that and not feel in crisis about us, which felt like a lot before. I am where I am and I'm ok with it.
