Again, it must be said, I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted. Things have been a roller-coaster ride for me and I don't know what to do right now. I'm waiting on pins and needles for Wed. to get here because I've made an appointment to see Rebecca. I guess I've reached a plateau with O and don't know where to go. I told her the other day that for all the talking we do, we still don't seem to communicate well. She is on her way to FL right now, in fact I'd imagine she may be there now. She made plans a while back to go down with one of her closest friends and some of this woman's family for a week vacation. She needs this and so do I.
Things have been different since I've been back from school. Being here all of the time now is affecting me in ways I couldn't have imagined. I feel like I spend most of my free time with her and when I'm at work, I'm thinking about when I get to leave and then see her. Slowly but surely my life has started to revolve in a way around her. When I was at school, we'd talk each night but I would only see her one or two nights a week and I still had my friends to spend time with. Now that I'm home all of my friends are scattered and not living here. Been is moving to FL in less than a week and I haven't seen Tim in about a month. At the end of the day I don't know what to do other than want to be with her, because that's genuinely what I seem to want.
Before she left yesterday I saw her and we talked a lot because she told me I was giving her mixed signals saying I thought that this trip would be good space for us and then still wanting to see her before she left. I told her it made me feel like I wasn't supposed to miss her or something because I still would. I've been so unsure of myself with her because of a "fight" we had at the beginning of the month where she told me she thought it would be best for us to stop everything because it was apparent to her from the conversation we were having that I was too involved/cared too much, but that only lasted for like 2 hrs. (I went to her house and after talking it through everything was a big misunderstanding) Either way I felt like the rug was taken out from under me because I genuinely felt I like was in control of myself and what I had shared with her was so not worthy of that reaction, I don't know what to say or do for fear that she'll break up with me again. And even in saying that I wonder what's really going on here. I know she will still maintain that we're not in a relationship and that just even now still floors me. I know that sex with benes would be "interesting" to say the least but neither of us could predict where this would go.
I know and still remind myself that she doesn't want to be in a relationship. During our talk yesterday she told me without really saying it that she felt that I was starting to feel things for her that were more. I resisted simply because I didn't and still do not want the good parts of this to end. Her companionship these last months has been a true blessing. And yes I know that it will not be forever or that she is "the one" (I don't know if I even believe in that anyway) but I finally told her that I did in fact feel the things she was saying. I figured that it would be best to be as open as possible, especially since she will be gone for a little over a week and can use that time to think about things. At least that is my hope...
I know I am so very different from what she has experienced her entire life, which is why I do still have a genuine hope and belief that this could work, even if it was only for six months. I just sometimes feel that I want to maximize my happiness, for whatever it's worth and this situation would be a perfect example. However, if she is unwilling there is really nothing I can do. That is a simple truth that haunts me. I have dreamed so much these last few weeks, and I know that the Mercury retrograde has affected me this time more than I believe it EVER has. It won't go direct until the 19th and it's still recommended that you wait a few days (i.e. till the 23rd) before you can be sure that the effects have worn off. There have been too many situations this cycle to count where we've miscommunicated or I've had other instances with other people where there was miscommunication, it's been so common and intense it's laughable.
She seems content with what's going on now so why would she change it? I don't want to have to feel like I'm fighting for something that should come with some ease. Sometimes it feels like Jennifer but worse simply because O isn't married and it's just her genuine choice to remain as she is and that cuts me deeply. I don't know where to turn right now... I've had a hard time readjusting to being home this summer. I've tried to make plans with people but it doesn't seem to happen for me so then I just turn to her. It truly amazes me how she can still think that everything that has transpired is mere friendship. Unless she's in complete denial or she's fibbing to me in order to protect herself I don't know. It seems like the mixed signals are both ways. The fact that I talk to her multiple times a day, that we have gone to dinner with my mom and her bf for my bday and no one else was invited, that they want to take us to KI next month for the weekend and will get us a room, that we went to Indiana for my bday, the park on my bday, the words that have been spoken, everything... I just don't know. I wonder if she sees herself ever being with someone. I know that our age and experience differences are a factor. It just distresses me that she would walk away from such a great person. I know she is scared, that's at least what she tells me and I just reflect what Rebecca told me to do back to her. It seems to work which is good but everything is just so heavy for me at least right now. It's not fun anymore.
I just wish I was back in Italia, where this time last year I was. Money is tight right now and I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know about school, my job, my life...
