I didn't realize so much time had past since my last post. Things eventually were resolved but not before there was a "come-to-Jesus" moment in her car after our concert. I've been fighting strep throat along with a fever since Tues. and I'm pretty much at the end of my rope physically. There seems to be no stability for me with her. One minute everything is fine, the next it's all crazy. I don't know what I'm doing but the idea of going back doesn't feel like an option (and genuinely it's one that I don't want). If this ended tomorrow I wouldn't know what to do with myself and how to react to everything. I know that this wouldn't be the end of the world but I'm emotionally invested and we have been in each other's lives for the last 4 years or so.
Friday night and Saturday morning were lovely despite my being sick but last night it was like talking to a somewhat frigid, completely introverted version of herself. I don't know where the woman that makes me happy went last night. I'm pissed that she continues to equate this happiness as a negative thing even though she knows that it's positive. The mixed signals are too numerous to count which is the most frustrating thing of all. How can you one minute have the gall to ask me "How long have we been together?" and then turn around a week later and as you voluntarily leave my place early (only 9:30) even though I told you I wanted you to stay, you hug me in a long hug and say "Goodnight friend" and I'm left with the seeming indignity of asking you for a kiss? The same kiss that not even 24 hours ago was plentiful and so abundant it was like rainwater in the amazon.
Sometimes I think you're too f-ed up for me to work with. I'm willing to do what I have to do to find happiness which I feel that with you and 50% of the time you're right there but 50% of the time you couldn't be further away. I don't know how much I'm supposed to take. I got the blessing of my therapist and everything and I do see genuine progress but it's sooo GD slow.
I just wish that you'd take the leap with me. Face the fear. Face it together.
