Things have been pretty crazy lately. After my last post I ended up getting sick later that night and have been dealing with some form of it ever sense but now it feels more like allergies and I still can't stop coughing.
Things with O have been heating up and becoming more intense. It's overwhelming in both a good and a bad way. I'm happy with her and enjoy being around her, it's just different having to think in such terms. We're not officially together but I believe that unofficially we are. I don't know what she may actually want in that respect. I know she wants me (she's made that abundantly clear) but I also know that she didn't feel that a relationship was something that she should start right now until she'd worked through some things, which I totally respect. Part of me doesn't even know what I want. I know I want her but I know also that I don't want to be around her 24/7. I even mentioned the other night how I need my space and that the idea of spending that much time with someone else literally makes me want to vomit. I'm not trying to be dramatic but I'm just independent on certain levels and I also am deeply committed to making time for my friends, given how I'm been seeing first hand how not to handle such situations.
I miss those people sure but they made their choice and I will and have made mine. I think time apart makes the time we spend together that much more precious. I don't know what's going to happen when summertime comes and I won't be down here 4 days a week. I wonder if she'll expect me to stay with her every night or to stay with me. I know my sleep apnea has already affected her (my snoring is so bad she's either slept in another room or has asked me to do so which I'm not at all offended by given that it's her house and she needs to sleep) and since I'm not used to sleeping with someone on a regular basis, it's weird for me too and my sleep hasn't be quality.
I don't know... I feel like this has potential but it scares me, especially because I do like the freedom I have now, but I'm not looking for another woman right now. It's not like I had anyone banging down my door... I don't want to settle either. I care for her deeply but I know I'm not in love with her, at least not now since I've not allowed myself to go that deep. Point is, I could but I don't know if I should.
