I don't know where to begin... It seems like a bad joke the way things keep happening to me in regards to my relationship with the pianist. I care about her so much, love her even. I can say that since we've known one another and been friends already for four years so it's not out of character to say such things but obviously when sex becomes part of the equation it all goes postal. I had such a wonderful night with her tonight. I had never had anyone come down from home to visit me in the craphole of a town of which my university resides. We went to a concert, had dinner, and then came back to my dorm to hang out and basically have sex, which is fine and nothing out of the ordinary at this point.
Problem started when all I said was, "Not to break the mood but I just want to check the time". She had to be out by midnight, she knew that. I just wanted to be on the safe side and make sure we were running over. I literally get lost with her and time just flies by, I told her as much. But my prior comment upset her, triggering something that had happened about a month ago that led her to asking me to leave her bed, which I did. I understand now what happened and I apologized for it. It was never my intention to upset her. It was impossible at the time to understand the correlation between the two events. I still maintain how completely, utterly innocuous this comment was. After discussing at length with my mom about what happened she's got me convinced that the pianist is just at a point where she's trying to find things to cause problems (i.e. she's going to find any excuse to sabotage this relationship so she won't be hurt and to prove to herself that I would leave her in the end like she originally predicted).
Now, I empathize. My capacity for this is quite deep. I'm one of the most understanding people you will ever meet. I just don't know how much of this I should be putting up with. I'm ok with some bad emotional habits that, with the proper counseling, could be exorcised and she could be a happier person, which in turn would make me happy as well. I see potential in this relationship, I really do. I see potential in her as well, but I know that potential is just that and nothing concrete until reality is matched up with it. As the saying goes, you give someone enough rope, they will hang themselves. I don't want that to happen and I don't want this to be happening. Moreover, I don't want a repeat of what happened with Jennifer. I can't and won't do that again. I know there are bumps in the road to things but I just don't know right now. If she's unwilling to talk to me, I can't do anything about that. I want to make this work, I have a genuine desire to do so. I haven't been this happy in a long time and that just makes it all the more difficult when faced with the realization that this won't work out.
I feel like I get so many mixed signals from her. I know how much of an attraction that is there between us. I know the kind of responses I can illicit from her, I've seen them and I've heard her tell me them. There is no earthly way we can go back and act like this never happened or that it's ok that it's not anymore. I know she wants me and that I want her. I know things are never that simple and we all have baggage... I just... don't know what to do right now. I can be patient with being scared but pushing me away like this is not the way to go. There's only so much a rational human can take. I told her that I wanted to talk about things and fix them. I said that I felt like I was talking to a wall and no matter how much you sit there and say that nothing's wrong, I know something is wrong. She then got into her car in a huff and sped off.
I wasn't born fucking yesterday. Why the hell do you keep forgetting that we've already known one another for four years and that maybe I may have possibly observed something within that timeframe about your personality and oh btw now that we've been actively having sex for almost 3 months now, I would like to think (read: I fucking know) that I know when you're upset and when you're happy and other such emotions because I can see the way your face looks and your voice changes. I KNOW YOU!!! No matter how much you may not want to admit that, you must. You can't act like you don't care because I know you do. You can't act as if you're not aware anymore about all this shit because I know you are. You know this is a good thing, that this is one of the most amazing things that has ever happened to you, and guess fucking what, it is for ME TOO! I love you god damn it... I love you.
Why is this so hard?
