I feel relatively calm right now but that's what seems to be unusual about this situation.
I saw J on Friday night at the closing performance of my show. I was talking with some people and she tapped my shoulder from behind and when I turned around it was just, again, surreal seeing her there. She said "Hi" and opened her arms for a hug, which I obliged and I guess it was firmer than she thought it would be because she seemed shocked about it. I know she made a comment but I don't remember what it was, it all happened so fast. I didn't really feel much when I did hug her though and that surprised me. She told me that she thought I did a great job and she really enjoyed it, ect. ect. The question of "How have you been" came up but I don't remember if she asked it first or if I did (I'm leaning on it being her though). She said she was there with her boss so she had to run but that it was good to see me and to call her sometime.
And like that, she was gone.
I was in a tizzy for about 30 min. to a hour after the fact but I don't feel much of anything now.
I also failed to mention that earlier in the week on Tues. when I logged into FB my news feed reported that she listed herself as "Single" instead of "Married" which it had been since I'd helped her set up the account forever ago now, save for a few days back last year where it went from "Married" to "It's Complicated" and back to the former.
I feel a huge relief that she is single now even though I'm genuinely sad that she and A are getting or have already gotten a divorce. She seemed to really want to make it work with him and I knew that he would and did love her to the best of his limited capabilities. It was also nice for because I knew she'd be taken care of and that I wouldn't have to deal with that anymore. But now it's over and I don't know what that means. When I first read it, that was all I could think about and then I thought, "Well, what really does it mean?" because she's not in my life anymore so why is this still an issue?
I don't know what I'm going to do now. I need to talk to Rebecca, I've not met with her in... dare I say 3-4 months and that's just ridiculous and I don't know how the time went so damn fast. I've also got plans to spend my spring break in Biloxi, doing volunteer work for Katrina-ravaged areas so... I've kinda decided not to call her until at least that's over with. I'm not as afraid as I once was and I think that's good. I'm just surprised at how little I did feel. I still think I have some unresolved issues on my part with her and would like to clear the air in a safe way but it can't be alone in her apartment.
That is the other thing... I've not been with anyone since her, not that I've not tried... It just hasn't happened and I miss that physical contact PAINFULLY so and now that I know she's single... At least I won't be breaking any moral or legal codes if I slept with her again. I don't know... I just wish that I could find that strength that I guess I'm supposed to have inside somewhere that will heal me so I can meet a woman that will love me the way that I deserved to be loved and not have it turn into the mess that it did with J.
I just don't know what would happen or how I would feel if I slept with her again. Part of me thinks it would just be great to get laid again, another thinks that it could hurt me more than I've already been and that's pretty severe.
