I'm... a little overwhelmed right now. I was going to write earlier but ended up reading one of my old blog sites that went back to 2001 so that was interesting.
I was supposed to go home tonight to get a sleep study done (finally!) but ended up rescheduling it for a few different reasons. On one hand I'm happy because now I'm not freaking out and stressed about having to cram a crap load of stuff into one day and I can plan better for next Wednesday (that's when I rescheduled it) but there is a part of me that is bombarding me right now, pissed off that I've yet again prolonged this test, something that will help me and (hopefully) give me a quality of life that I have been lacking for a long time. I'm so frustrated and tired of being tired. I hurt and want to just give up. I'm tired of suffering, which is what this feels like. I feel like I'm trapped in a body that is no longer my own and I'm fighting against it from slowly suffocating me. Right now the idea of being a zombie for even one more milisecond makes me want to vomit and scream until I'm mute.
I want to be well and to be so close to starting that process, only to prolong it.... All I can say is GGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's better this way though, safer even. I don't want to have to deal with this awful weather this evening and don't want to have myself hurt or someone else hurt because of icy roads and such. I'm also excited because I can see a show on campus that I've been wanting to see since last semester. It will be one of the biggest, most controversial shows ever to come here and to know that I may have missed out on it so I could do the study was really a sore spot for me.
I'm tired of this controlling my life and feel that it has taken hold in ways that I never imagined.
It's only a week though... Seven days and the count down starts now.
