It's really rainy out right now, which I like to be honest. I really love the rain, even though it makes me feel emo, but as they say, water is emotion no? It's a little after 4 and I had planned to go to the library by like 2:30 at the latest so I could read before my night class at 6. I am so behind in a lot of classes right now. I'm really concerned on one hand about what my grades will be but on the other rather resigned because it's no one else's fault except mine own and I feel that I deserve whatever grade I get.
I'm also mad because I now wonder how things could have been different if I'd known about this sleep apnea thing before. I'll admit, I'm really freaked out about it and especially the mask that one would need to wear to bed at night. However, the mere hope that is starting to come alive within me is frightening yet exciting. I don't want to be let down by it but I know that my body is suffering right now and I'm rather desperate to fix it. I can't really feasibly wrap my mind around what it could possibly feel like to wake up rested and ready for the day, that I could be genuinely happy and ready to do things. Right now it's just all I can manage to get out of bed and go to class. I'm so tired all of the time, even as I type my eyelids are a tad heavy and my body is just down right fatigued and I've done really nothing today. I went to class this morning and when I came back at 11 I slept until 1:30 then took a shower and I'm still tired.
Craziness.
I dreamt last night hardcore about my ex. It was one of those dreams that was so vivid and I felt so connected to her that I wouldn't be surprised if she was dreaming about me as well. I've had that happen before, so certainly believe in its possibility. I don't really remember much about it, it wasn't really resolved though. Like she was in the dream and at some point she was gone but I'd not realized she'd left until it was too late. I was feeling ok about it when it was over, which is definitely a good thing. I still miss her though, I guess that may never stop, only the severity will fluctuate. In some strange way I still miss C. but that is only because things were left unfinished. No goodbyes, only silence. I do hope she's happy now, especially since I found out that she had a baby. Makes up for that religiously-sycophant douche of a husband but whatever.
I will write about one bright spot lol. I figured it was time to throw a "happy" bone out there to everyone. I've been keeping company with a beautifully, delicious, soulful, funny, crazy, amazing woman lately. I've been friends with her for about a year now but it's been this semester when we've really clicked and have been hanging out a lot. She's totally straight :( but she's one big reason why I'm still sane on this campus and she's a light in my life that I'd be lost without. She makes my soul happy and giddy and I told her that along with how my soul feels like it's on methamphetamines when I'm with her, which I know sounds utterly ridiculous but it's true. If she were gay, I'd be on it in less that a milisecond. But she's not so I'll just have to settle for the amazing and beautiful plantonic relationship we have now. So there's your happy dose for the day!
