I've had one hell of a week so far.
Saturday my life was flipped all topsy turvy because my ex called me. I hadn't spoken to her or seen her in 9 months and it was hella awkward. She called me from a number I didn't recognize, which would mean I normally wouldn't answer it but for whatever reason I did and at first didn't realize it was her since didn't recognize her voice. The conversation was pretty ridiculous with her just saying she'd been thinking about me and wanted to know if I wanted to get dinner with her, as if it'd only been like a week since I'd last seen her or something. Luckily, I decided to say late at work b/c we had two people call in so I was 2 hrs. behind what I normally would be and had brought a late meal home with me instead so I had already eaten. So she says, "Well... Next time you're hungry let me know and we can go eat something."
Um, wtf? Awkward!
I don't think she'd planned to talk to me because she was surprised I'd answered the phone to begin with so I guess that just threw her off. I didn't know what to do, I felt like I'd been punched in the gut or something and had the wind knocked out of me. After all of that I hung up and tried to process for about an hour or two and then decided to call her back. I used the number to her place and it came back as disconnected so that was really strange. I called the number she called me from but no one answered so I left a really awkward message telling her that I thought we should get some coffee instead of dinner but of course I never heard back the rest of the night.
It was ok because I already had plans to come back to campus to go on a night-time hike to watch a meteor shower with some people but it still just fucked me up and it still kinda is. I've been talking a lot though to different people and I realized how far I've come and how far I need to still go. There is a part of me that wants a kind of closure that only talking with her face to face could provide. The other, big part is thinking that she disrespected my wishes after all of this time when she'd been doing what I had asked of her. It made me feel like she took power away from me and put me in a defensive/vulnerable position. I no longer hold the cards. I know that healthy relationships aren't like that but that's why I ended this because it was so unhealthy and I was feeling very fragile and honestly afraid of her. It was an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship.
I wish I could feel and see myself through other's eyes, like my mom or my family, my friends, ect. I know I'm loved, my head knows that but for some reason I can't seem to convince that nasty voice in my head that has the ability to tear me apart from the inside out. I'm not meant to be with my ex, I've had that confirmed to me on a number of occasions. So I want to just walk away from this and never see her again. I may want certain parts but I don't want the whole thing. I don't need her.
In the end I'm just mad, frustrated, disappointed, pissed, angry, whatever at too many things. I waited for 23 years for the right woman to come along, one that I would trust implicitly, one that I would do anything for. I thought she had. I am genuinely hopeful for my future. I want to meet new women and be treated with love, kindness, respect because they know how to do and give those things. I don't want someone who is broken and doesn't know how to fix themselves.
She is broken and needs to do so much work. I know she doesn't deserve me, but I still keep getting scared that I will never find anyone else who will give me a second look. She made me feel sexy, beautiful, wanted. Knowing you turn someone on when you feel nothing close to being sexy a feeling that I can't adequately describe. I truly thought, "Finally, a woman who I think is attractive, thinks the same way about me." It's because of this that I still, deep, deep down feel weak for her and think god damn it if I was in a room alone with her I would still be with her.
I fucking hate that.
I'm better than that, I deserve better. Why can't I find it? What am I doing wrong? If things are supposed to be so great for me, when will it happen? I just need some encouragement, I feel like I have nothing to believe in right now.
I wish she'd never called me. I'm never answering a number I don't recognize ever again.
