For the first time in a while I "googled" my step-mother's name. It just feels weird even typing that phrase out. I never really got to know her that well, or her kids. I guess I spent so much of my time hating her for my parent's divorce, I wasn't really interested in getting to know her, I felt like I knew enough. Shows you how little I know. I'll never have that chance now, and even though I look at her kid's MySpace profiles every so often, I don't think it would be feasible for me to ever develop a solid relationship from it.
What could possibly be the introduction to *that* email other than... Well... Awkward!
I'm most disappointed in not getting to know Holly more. I always wanted to have a sister. My brother and I were always at one another's throats and now figurative and literal distance that separates us does the strangling for us. I wonder how often people really have a "perfect" life. You grow up happy, you're "well-rounded", your parents are devoted to one another and will be together till death, you succeed in school, have lots of friends and a steady GF/BF. You do well in college, graduate with honors (or at least within four years lol) and at some point you've met the love of your life. You get married, find a great job, have the 2.5 kids and a golden retriever or a lab, and just end up repeating the same process that your parents did.
Really... What are the odds? I guess I was out of the betting booth that day.
I don't remember a lot of my really early years, my memory is based from about 5 or 6 on up, I always thought my parents were happy but they got separated when I was 16 and divorced when I was 17, which devastated me greatly, I was proud to have parents that were still married and who still loved on another, at least that's what I thought. I know my mom believes that myself and my brother were the reason she was with my dad. If it weren't for that, neither of us would be here, but why is it that it seems so wrong to want that dumb fair tale life?
I did well enough in school but I've always been a lazy over-achiever. Sure I could get straight A's if I actually applied myself but most of the time, I really don't care, thus I end up with something lower. I didn't go to college immediately, I ran around the work world until I was ready which is good for me but still felt wrong when I thought everyone I knew was on their way to higher education while I was on my way to the proverbial time clock.
I never dated in high school. I wanted to but I was only interested in one girl, the one I could never be with. How stereotypical and lesbian, being head over heels in love with my straight best friend. But I was. That was a 4-5 year unrequited love affair of the mind that ended in deafening silence. In spite of that, I truly hope she is happy with her (insufferable) husband, and I hope her child is healthy and will bring her the joy and love she deserves. Moving along though... Not much else to write on that portion, I was an ever so chaste lesbian, longing to be in a relationship but never finding someone I was interested in and if I was, she was taken.
Well fast forward a few years, I'm back in college, eye on the prize of a four year degree in something I thought I would actually like and then... Jennifer happened.
I figure I should add the extra space in there since I feel it merits it. Jennifer changed my life, in so many ways. I know I will never forget her but I know I need to move on. There is no viable way for us to be in each other's lives right now. I don't know if there ever will be. That idea is something that I am unable to let go of. It kills me to think about how someone could have such and amazing and for the most part, positive impact on someone's life yet have such disastrous results. Some part of me thinks unless I'm in a solid, healthy relationship, it would be impossible for me to see her. There are people through out your life that just make you react on a visceral level, she is like that for me. I know that as long as I feel weak, which I still do, I, nor she, is safe. I know I will drag her back down with me. I wish I could tell her I was sorry, I feel that I owe her an apology. Not that she doesn't owe me one too, but I need to take responsibility for my shit.
I'd just like to stop seeing only myself in the mirror.
