I had a genuinely nice time tonight with my pianist friend. I tried to calm myself down about all the mess that was and still is, to some extent, running around in my mind so I could actually engage her instead of trying to hit on her. It was a refreshing conversation for the most part, she kept telling me how much she was enjoying herself and that she was in a good mood, ect. which was a nice thing to hear. Her body language was pretty good and she laughed and smiled a lot. It was truly a very enjoyable dinner.
I realized that we have not sat down and talked like that in over a year so it ended up being a rather grounding experience. I realized I miss talking to her the way we use to talk. It wasn't 24/7 but we saw each other regularly and spoke on the phone once a week or so but I eventually pulled away because I felt that her then-GF was jealous of our friendship and was afraid that something would happen between us. I don't understand why that is such a reoccurring theme in my life. First it was them, then it was A and M. Why am I so threatening? I don't want fear, I want someone who will match me not run away.
Anyway, I think it was best to start back out this way. I was surprised to find out that she doesn't talk with her ex as much as I thought (only once a week instead of everyday or every other one). I wanted to ask if they were still intimate but it didn't seem appropriate. I have also wanted to know why she broke up with her. The ex wanted none of it and I think still wants to be with her even after a year and a half. It's been long enough now so I don't feel at all guilty for pursuing her, where as before I felt like a douche. I think there is something to explore but that I won't find out until later what that is. There are a lot of blunt questions I want to ask her but I don't know if I'm ready to hear the answers (Jennifer taught me the hard way about that). I know I don't want a relationship with her, which I think would appeal to her but sometimes, to hear her talk, I think she doesn't want something so casual.
She said she just generally all around unhappy right now. Nothing that is overwhelming to her but she's just going through the motions and isn't passionate about anything which frustrates her. To use a metaphor, she is a blank canvass screaming out for some paint and color in her life. I don't know if I could be that color. I do care about her though and don't want to take advantage of her. Also, we talked about her coming to visit me at school. If that happens, it would be the first time anyone from home has come to visit me in 2 1/2 years. I always felt like the invitation was open but that no one was interested, hell even I'm not interested in living here so I certainly wouldn't want to subject others to it. However, it makes me happy that someone would actually come down here to visit me.
We'll see where this goes.
