I wonder if sometimes God is just trying to put something in front of me, to see if I will cave or persevere over it and be all the better for having overcome such temptation. I think there are people throughout your life that you're just weak for. These are the people that you, for whatever reason can rationalize in that moment, do the most ridiculous things for when you know you should stay the hell away from them.
I'm starting to think that I'm too trusting and/or gullible which I find strange considering how much I've always thought myself to be rather untrusting until I've proof to think otherwise. Jennifer was the first person to ask me if I actually trusted anyone since she felt like I didn't trust her. Now I imagine there is good reason why I shouldn't but who's to say that I shouldn't trust myself? I've done something things in the last few years that I'd be just flabbergasted if I knew about them at say, 16. But that's growing up I guess which I'm ok with. It's just unnerving when you start to think about how little you do trust yourself. To know that if something is put in front of you that you're not supposed to have or want, that you will do the exact opposite.
It makes me feel alienated.
I thought I could "catch" all the bad thoughts and turn them around but I'm reminded of how I don't seem to care whether or not they're there for the most part. I think apathy is my worst enemy or maybe it's just my own mind and it's seemingly insurmountable insecurities that I allow to play like a broken record in every conscious moment I possess.
I always say how tired I am about getting jerked around by certain people but if they just showed me an iota of interest I know I'd just magically forget about all the other pain/torture I'd put myself through. I know I shouldn't be desperate but I am. I don't want to nor like admitting that but I know it's the truth. I've given a great deal of thought just now about who I consider my close friends and as of now, all are in romantic relationships, except for me. I know I'm a good person and I deserve the best.
Where the fuck are you then? I know it's not the pianist, if it were it shouldn't be this hard and I'm not interested in her stupid, childish games. If she really cared about me then she wouldn't treat me like that nor if I cared enough about myself I wouldn't let her. I just keep writing about the same shit over and over and over and over. I just want to be loved and to give the love I have within me to the woman that deserves it.
