Tonight marks a year. A night that irrevocably changed me, for the better and for the worst. It was a year ago tonight that my then-best friend and I went out for the first time in a long time. She'd just moved to my city and wanted to see the nightlife. She had been bogged down in professional school classwork since August and we were both excited about getting a chance to have some fun.
When I went to pick her up at her apartment, I never could have imagine how our night would end.
We both drank, but I drank more than she did. We had, by all accounts, a really great night, running around the dance floor, watching the shows, ect. It wasn't until later, when I went on the dance floor by myself because I heard a song I liked, that it started. She'd gone to get a drink I think and when she found me, she ran up to me and started dancing all crazily, which made me laugh. She was damn firecracker if there ever was one.
But I wanted her to dance to the beat and, more importantly, with me. So I put my arm around her waist and brought her to me and we danced, swaying drunkenly to the beat. Her demeanor changed and she reached around to grab some of my hair, as she started to grind into my body. I was confused, but went with it. I had always thought she was beautiful and was just happy to be there with her, dancing and having a good time. I wish I remembered more, but I only have alcohol and my inability to say no to blame for that. Either way, one minute we were dancing the next, kissing. It felt so unreal, I couldn't believe I was making out with her on the dance floor. But it felt... amazing, soft, wonderful. I didn't want to stop, neither did she. We spent the rest of the time making out, touching one another, ect. until I went a step further and started to unbutton her jeans. Even now I'm still amazed since I'd never done that before, I just did it, and off I went with my hand, searching for the "pot of gold" which didn't take me long to find.
So I "found" her, on the dance floor, in public, and made her moan ridiculously in my ear.
Everything after that was a blur. The club closed for the night not long after that happened and we found our way to Chez Waffle as most drunks do at 3AM. I don't remember much of that but after we went back to her apartment and talked, about what I don't know, I was still drunk. It was really ridiculous. Anyway, I stayed the night and after I left the next day, it was somewhat awkward. The following few days involved a flurry of extremely long conversations, about emotions, actions, intentions, ect. This seemingly had the makings for something more, and what better than for it to be with the woman that I considered to be my best friend, the one I talked to practically every day and night, the one that I told everything to, even things that I never trusted anyone else with, not even my therapist. She never judged me.
Well... Anyway... It could have been something but it wasn't. You see, I've left out an important component in this story. She was straight, and married.
*Silence*
Yeah OK... About that...
Either way, long story short... We both disregarded a lot of things and ended up carrying on a 3 month affair that ended in mid-January of this year. I couldn't take it anymore, and I knew we would get caught by her husband eventually. I really don't know how it all happened, but it did. I cut off all contact with her by the end of the month, telling her that I needed my space and time to reflect. I was heartbroken and lost. Not only had this been my first "relationship" and now it was over, I lost my best friend in the process.
I hadn't even remembered that tonight marked a year, but some how I did. I did what I did and I own that, but I miss her still so very, very, very, much. I don't know how I've made it this far to be honest. I still hold the very tiny, small hope that one day, we could see one another, be civil/kind. But there are days when I truly believe that's possible and others when I think I've lost my damn mind to even remotely think that could be true.
I miss you. I still think about you. I hope you're happy and well.
I guess sometimes the things you break and destroy really can't be fixed.
