On Friday March 31st 2006 my father died.
He committed suicide.
Somehow he also shot and killed my stepmother.
I don't know if we'll ever know how it happened. The note he left was addressed to her so the assumption would be that he didn't intend to kill her.
It's been about five days and I'm ready for it to stop. I'm ready to go back to my life like this never happened. I can't even sit here and think straight right now. But I can't go back. My life is forever changed and nothing will make it like it was before.
It would be one thing if it was just him. I could deal better with that but not with her being dead. She was innocent. I could be okay. Knowing that I could talk with her and help her through it. No one has that opportunity now. I'm more upset about her death than his. If she was still here it would be okay. Now instead of just my brother and me it's her kids as well. I've been thinking about them so much and wishing there was something I could do. We weren't close though so it makes it that much harder when he was the reason why.
I am so fucking mad right now... Just to function and breathe seems too much to handle. I'm completely fine one minute then the next I'm just absolutely manic.
My dad and I had problems, that's not in dispute, but there was a part of me that thought somewhere in the back of my mind that one day things would change and it would be better. That can't happen now. I knew he would eventually pass but to have it happen this way? It's just ugly and violent.
I don't know if I can forgive him for this. It feels like just the ultimate act. Where do you go from there?
Where do *I* go from here?
