To know that an indescribable amount of pain has been forced upon innocent people that you care about is an awful feeling.
Knowing that your own father is the reason is just... Sickening.
Things seem so far away to me since he didn't live here. It's some sort of bizarre, extended vacation in a way. I wish I could talk to Holly. It tears me up knowing her life has just been undone by this. I think Adam and Sam are managing but I found out that she is withdrawing from college.
I hate him so much... I just want to scream at him but I can't. I can't shake him. I can't do a goddamn thing. They're both dead and never coming back. I don't know how I could ever forgive him.
I didn't want them to be mad at us... I don't know how realistic that is right now. I can only think about how I wish that I could change things. I'm feeling such regret for not being involved in her life. Legally she was/is my baby sister. Just typing that out makes me want to go to her and just hold her, protect her from him, but I can't do that now. It's too late and he's hurt her in the worst way possible. It was bad enough what I went through growing up but now he's committed the ultimate sin.. The worst act. Intentional or not, he took another human being's life, even more alarming that it was his own wife.
I've never had a sister.
I've always wondered what it would be like.
I wanted to talk to her but we were both busy with school and so far away from the other that it was just honestly not a priority. I regret that. It seems like it's never the right time until it's too late. Now things are just irrevocably fucked up.
I'm sorry... Just so damn sorry...
